If you are fortunate, you may come across a talented, intelligent, and humorous individual such as myself at some point in your career. It is your job not to fuck up your shot at working with greatness. Please keep the following tenets in mind as you work with Higgy and he'll promise not only to actually help you out but won't bitch about you and your fuck-tard ways on his blog.
1) Play it straight with Higgy
Higgy has a knack for sniffing out douche hidden behind an seemingly air-tight facade of bravado and corporate jargon. If you don't know what you're talking about, don't talk. You've not only wasted Higgy's precious time, but you've made an instant impact on Higgy as he will no longer respect you nor be expeditious in completing any of your unimportant working requests.
2) If Higgy takes the time to instruct you, don't interrupt him with questions of minutia
If you think you're going to look smart by asking random questions instead of focusing on what is being taught to you, you'll end up looking like a dumbass when you ask Higgy questions over the material he covered. Get your head out of your ass, thanks.
3) Higgy is not motivated by heart-felt tales
Telling Higgy how much you love cats will follow with faked interest followed by a long, annoyed sigh. Using your victory over cancer as a talking point regarding the effort you bring to work each day not only puts off Higgy, but makes him devalue your worth in society.
4) If Higgy asks you a question, it probably is important
Higgy tries to figure shit out on his own but there are times he is smart enough to know other people may have some useful information. You should feel privileged to have received a question from Higgy as he feels you are competent enough to respond with a knowledgeable answer. Please don't change Higgy's perception of you by either not responding or taking your sweet ass time responding. Karma will probably come to bite you in the ass when your question comes Higgy's way.
5) Hawaiian t-shirts in the workplace do not command respect, but demand ridicule
If this isn't self-explanatory to you, don't bother reading further as you are a lost cause.6) Your lack of planning does not constitute urgency on Higgy's part
This usually happens when you neglect to answer one of Higgy's questions or make the fatal assumption that Higgy will drop whatever it is he is doing to service your needs. Higgy is not your corporate prostitute and isn't paid well enough to drop your trousers and felate you on command. Therefore Higgy's response will be that of disdain and will "push-back" on your request until he deems it fit to make it his priority. You may as well pack a lunch as you should be prepared at this point to wait a long ass time.
7) Deodorant is an unwritten but necessary part of business casual attire
Higgy has been carpet bombed by the foul odor one too many times by co-workers to overlook this important detail. As much as Higgy needs his nose hairs to be cinged, he really does not feel like gagging while trying to work. Common courtesy for others is crucial to working with Higgy.
8) If you think it is slightly funny, it probably isn't
More likely than not, you're not funny. So don't try to be something you're not.
9) If you say something stupid, Higgy's facial expressions will inform you
Higgy like everyone isn't perfect. One of his flaws is that when he hears bullshit from a colostomy bag, he can't hide his contempt behind his chiseled good looks. So don't be alarmed when you see a strained look on Higgy as if he is passing the Rock of Gibraltar through his anal cavity. He is just trying to spit something out of his ass that smells better than the shit coming out of your mouth.
10) If you wouldn't normally associate with Higgy after work hours, please don't befriend him on Facebook
There are some people Higgy does want to associate with during his after hours. These people know who they are. If you are unsure of your standing in this regard, you probably don't fall in this category.11) Getting to know your executives via blog = more ammunition for ridicule
Higgy doesn't really need to know you're a single man in your 40's blogging about his dogs and displaying your teenage school girl playlist. Let Higgy make the assumption you're a creep, don't confirm it for him.
As long as you show courtesy toward Higgy and others, act intelligently and don't act like a general nozzle, working with Higgy should be an enjoyable experience for you.
Unfortunately this is asking a lot of the people I work with....
3 comments:
My high point of the week for me = reading about how much Higgy hates the world around him. Not because I think he's miserable. On the contrary, its because he truly understands that if there really were a lot of good people in the world we wouldn't have to carry around so much dead weight. Amen to Higgy for being so right!
Thank you DDT for understanding that my cynicism is merely pointing out how forward thought mixed with some common sense could make the working world a better place.
By the way, judging on the timestamp of your post, you were definitely at work updating your blog. Priceless.
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