Holy Balls It has Been Awhile

I doubt any of you still read this damn thing but here is a recap of my life since my last post:

1) Bought a house
2) Continued to "Custer" around Injuns at work. Surprisingly, this has yet to illicit violence towards me.
3) Moved into said house with Mrs. Turtle. Realized that my way of being handy around the house in no way, shape or form satisfies her requests.
4) Attended a few weddings. More to blog on this topic.
5) Gained about 20 lbs.

Yep...20 lbs. I've let myself go. Not only did I gain 20 lbs, the people around me let me know I had gained weight. Here are a few signs that you've plumped up.


1) Your Uncle rubs your belly and ask if it is kicking

2) Your lovely fiance tells you that gastric bypass is in your future and stomach flaps come standard with the package

3) Your father who is 34 years older than you tells you that he's never been this fat in his 60 years of life

4) One of your co-workers who you haven't seen in 6 months tells you, "The engagement seems to be treating you well. You've gained weight haven't you?" This was probably the most polite way I've heard someone bluntly say to another person, "You ate your former self."

5) You walk around your new hood, being all domesticated and shit, and get out of breath after walking for 10 mins.

6) Your silhouette looks like an upside down question mark. Que?

7) The coup de gras. You are eating a Butterfinger and a piece falls out of your hand. You are overcome with much worry that Heaven for fucking bid, that piece of toffee goodness does not enter your pie hole. After much searching on the ground for said piece of candy, you look down and realize your gut jutted out just enough to catch it.


I'll save you the trouble and effort of planning an intervention for me.