My Awesomely Gay Adventure

It seemed a lot of firsts occurred in my life during my 21st year of life. I had my first real kiss. I finally started drinking and enjoying it. I lost my virginity. I got my first blowjob. I had my first heart break. Needless to say I was a late bloomer. However these things are nothing but a vague memory in my past. However something occurred during that year that every once in awhile rears its ugly head back into my consciousness. This memory is my first experience with gay culture.

Now don't get me wrong (famous last words), I have no problem with gay people and actually find them to be quite humorous. Being in a fraternity and working in Corporate America, I've made several friends who happen to be gay. What people do is their perogative and doesn't bother me as long as they aren't douchebags. However being a straight man in a gay man's territory is an awkward, awkward feeling.

Let me give you the setting. It was New Year's Eve. I had just transferred to Ohio State. I did not have very many friends who enjoyed going out. The night starts out drinking at my friend B's house. There was much drinking and enjoyment going on, including beer pong which happens to be my weakness. After awhile my friend B asks me if I want to go to a bar. I tell her I'm down to continue drinking at another venue. Being that my friend B is straight, I never thought I would have to have her clarify the type of bar we were attending. This is a question I regret not asking. None the wiser, I hop in the cab she called and we head downtown.

The reason the cab drive is memorable is because I had one of the more awkward phone conversations in my life during this ride. Foreshadowing, perhaps? Anyways B's sister ends up calling her and asks her to put me on the phone. Now prior to this conversation, I had only a few interactions with this girl. I found her physically repulsive, uninteresting and somewhat psycho, so I really had no reason to give her the time of day. Let's just say hobgoblin-like does not quite describe her features well enough. Well somehow the goblin found my general dickishness to be an attractive quality and thus spent the next 5 minutes professing her love for me over the phone. I was too shocked by this to respond in a dickish manner. So I just told her she wasn't in love and I definitely wasn't interested. This response wasn't taken too well by her and she proceeded to say how ugly she was and how she wasn't worth anything and how she should just off herself. Things in hindsight I completely agree with, but I didn't need goblin blood on my hands to I attempted to comfort her and get myself out of this situation. I eventually handed the phone back to B with the "Holy fuck what just happened?" look.

So the night couldn't get worse from there right? Just you wait. The cab ride ends and we stop in front of this bar with a drag queen out front. It still didn't hit me. Then I see the line outside with men holding hands and talking about fashion in their effeminate voices. It hits me. I'm going to a gay bar. Fucking. Awesome. I hope your sarcasm detector is on.

Well I didn't want to get into a cab by myself and head back alone. I also didn't want to stop drinking especially after the suicidal orc tried to woo me. So I got in line, paid cover and had a life changing experience.

I warn you I may get Tourette's on you going forward. We get in and I quickly find the bar, grab B and myself a drink and then attempt use her as my safety net from the gays. Well that plan just back-fired because they all thought she was my hag. Piss out my ass. Then I made the error in my drunken state to begin dancing with B. Well this just acted as a dick magnet. Fuck shoes. Dudes would walk by, make comments about my ass and one even grabbed it as he walked by. Now I know what hot chicks at a bar deal with. However I just couldn't be upset with the dude because he just thought I was gay and I was in his territory. I also couldn't blame him because my ass is pretty fucking spectacular.

After this, we head to the upstair's bar because I honestly need another drink to deal with this night. I don't remember exactly what I drank, but since I was in a gay bar, I probably felt free to order some fruity ass shit. When in Rome, right? I can hear the voices in my head now, "Higgy you gay bitch" as I write this. It definitely didn't help assert my hetero-masculinity. Also what didn't help is the fact some dude, hired by the bar, was stripping. Jesus Cock-Sucking Christ. Before any dong dropped, we headed back to the downstairs bar.

At the bar, a dude, who probably could snag some Grade-A red snapper, proceeds to tell B he thinks I'm cute. This conversation ensued:

Higgy - "Sorry man, I'm straight."
Dude - "I was straight once. I could help make you gay."
Higgy - "Thanks but no thanks. I like pussy."

The guy was very persistent. So much so he hit on me in front of his midget boyfriend, who seemed to have lost a lengthy battle against the Ugly Tree. Obviously that guy was a catcher. When Catcher started bitching to the Pitcher, the Pitcher began to make out with him and while doing so attempted to grab at my ass and then grab at my package. I had to go Heisman pose on his ass and throw the stiff-arm. No means no, prick.

Now after all of the fruity drinks I had been throwing down throughout the night, I faced another problem. Where the fuck do I piss? I sure as hell wasn't going into the men's bathroom where the line was long to get drugged and wake up with a new asshole. And when you hit that wall you can't hold your piss for very long. So I did what any quick-thinking straight man would do. I went in the women's bathroom. Smartest decision I made all evening.

I was greeted with open arms as two lesbians began to comment on how well I was dressed. They assumed I was gay so they weren't freaked out by the fact we were pissing in the same room. I didn't have to wait very long and the commode was very clean and didn't reek of anal sex. Jackpot.

At the end of the evening, B and I are waiting for some of her friends to towel off so we wait in the Hag Zone. This guy starts talking to me and appreciates my open-mindedness to all of this. I couldn't really say ,"I came here unaware of the place's gayness, that I'd see no attractive women and I would have men grabbing at me." So I put up with his speech about intolerance while seeing his overweight hag friend with red-hair make out with a gay dude. Beggars I guess can't be choosers. And if you're a gay dude and have to settle for making out with a chick in a gay bar, you my friend have failed in life. We finally leave the bar, I head home with so much of an anti-boner I grew some labia, and I pass out asshole intact.

As I retell this story from time to time, I'm told I should view the gays hitting on me as a compliment. And honestly I can't knock 'em for great taste. I can however knock them for trying to grab at the goods with getting to know me first.

I'm not just a cum dumpster. I'm a person too.