Friday, February 12, 2010

BHM Moment # 2 of 2010

I call my parents to say hello and I talk to my dad for a minute. The following conversation occured:

"Did you hear about the 11 year old girl up in the northeast who got pregnant?"

"No I did not. That's pretty fucking disgusting."

"I know. And the girl wasn't even black."

"Dad it's Black history month, you can't say things like that."

Again shower the racism off of yourselves for laughing. You disgust me.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Great Moments in White History

To celebrate Black History Month, here is are a couple of text messages Mouthful sent from the shitter for you all to enjoy:

"While Thomper may periodically take inner city youth there, I just single handedly put Barack, Michelle, and the two girls in the White House."

1 minute later:

"And now the administration is spiraling downard."


You are racist if you laughed at that.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

The Aught Nots

2010 not only marks the beginning of a new year but the end of a decade. The Aught's were an era of growth, progress, and monumental change in my life. I graduated from high school, went to college, found a real world job and got engaged to my lovely lady. However, the 2000's were a time of extreme homosexuality with regards to myself. I have never wavered when it has come to my love of vagina, yet my actions and sometimes lack of action tell a far different tale.

I define something a moment being "gay" as the following:

A moment which does not promote nor is conducive to the insertion of a man's penis into a woman's vagina.

It's as simple as that.

As the era progressed, so did the gayness. However I only have the willpower to relive 5 of these moments. Why am I sharing them with you? I haven't a fucking clue.





5)



2009 - Pretty much the whole ski trip mentioned here: http://i-swear-to-blog.blogspot.com/2009/03/im-neglectful-bastard.html



However here is the gayest part of the trip I left out. So before this ski trip, I wanted to shop and get some ski gear so I looked hip and fresh like everyone else. I head to Dick's to cop the "sickest" gear and I pick up some ski pants and some long underwear so I keeps my shit all warm. The morning we plan on skiing, we all wake up from a drunken daze and start getting geared up. As we stumble around, Mouthful finds a torn tag laying on the ground around where my pile of shit was.



"Hey, who here wears a women's medium?"



That's when an OFM hit me. For those of you not in the know, an OFM is an "Oh Fuck" moment. You will see this all throughout this list. Mouthful saw the look of fear in my eyes (classic OFM reaction) and knew he found his culprit.



"Oh no no no. Don't say anything."



"Oh you know I have to."



The damn long underwear I bought happened to be women's. Dick's doesn't have a clearly defined men's/women's section when it comes to ski gear. So now if asked, "Have you ever worn women's underwear?" I have to say yes. You're a fucking genius Higgy.



6 months later, I'm back home in Columbus visiting and we all go out to the bar. Hova's lady comes up to me and whispers in my ear, "So I hear you like to wear women's clothes."



Fuck me. And this is only number 5 folks.



4)

2000

At this point of my life, I was still an acne covered mess of a child who just finally breached the driver side door of a car yet still had not breached the pantaloons of a fair maiden. I hadn't even groped, fondled, kissed or been anywhere within 5 feet of any lady at this time. Does this prove I was homo? No. Did it do anything to help prove my manhood and my straightness? God no. The following tale below does not help either.

One fateful day, I was studying for physics in my parent's basement with my friend Mustafa the perverse Persian. The basement of my parent's house was the main hangout spot as I had the floor to myself with a pool table, ping pong table, couches and video games. However the main draw of this place was the open floor plan which allowed for friends of mine to get their egos boosted by wrestling my 5'11" 135 lb frame. Mustafa was downstairs waiting for me to finish our physics homework, since he didn't do shit, and got bored in the process. He decided, "Well shit, he's practically done with my work anyway, so let's pin his lanky ass to the ground because that shit would be funny." So the Persian Perversian starts working his magic and in less than 5 minutes pins my ass to the ground. So I'm struggling to get up because a) I'm a pussy and b) that little Iranian midget sure knew how to wrestle. During my struggle I hear footsteps coming down the stairs. All of a sudden a big OFM hit me. That sound of course had to be my mom coming down the stairs. Oh that's right, she already had her doubts about my heterosexuality since I never was caught around any vagina. Oh of course Mustafa had to see the fear in my eyes and yes, he knew he had found a new weakness. So he pinned me down even harder and planned it so just as my Mom and my sister came down the stairs, they would get a view of their son/brother getting dry humped by a dirty little Persian.

It gets better.






3)





2007-2008 I don't fucking remember





Mrs. T and I were visiting my old stomping grounds in the Nasty Natti and we end up going to the bar with the same perverse Persian Mustafa and his girlfriend. It had been awhile so I figured he had grown out of his little wrestling and humping me games. Nope. He tried to jump me in front of Mrs. T. Then he jumped me in front of his girlfriend. But the coup de gras was when we were about to say our farewells in the desolate, dark, off campus street adjacent to the resident hall for which he was an RA. I am about to drive by him and wave until he motions for me to get out of the car. So being the obedient fuck that I am, I oblige while Mrs. T remains in the passenger seat. As I get out of the car, Mrs. T is subjected to her man being hugged, then pile driven onto the roof of his own car while his legs are jolted up into the air and strewn apart much akin to those of a female receiving some hard-core coitus. This dry hump rape was committed by the minature Iranian that I had grown to love while his girlfriend watched in shock and awe.

I don't think it gets much gayer than having a man half your size physically own you, then dry hump you into submission while your girlfriend is in the vicinity.



But in fact it does get gayer...much gayer.




2)






2005

- http://i-swear-to-blog.blogspot.com/2008/11/my-awesomely-gay-adventure.html

This shit is literally the gayest however I still feel this is only the number 2 gayest moment of my life. What the hell tops this shit?








1)

2003





I had previous blocked this memory from my mind, but this by far was the gayest moment of the Aughts and maybe even my life. This was during a time way before Mrs. T when I still was new to the whole "talking to girls" thing. I was a intern at Intel up in Massachusetts. I was living with in an old folks apartment complex in Worcester, Mass with a kid who wore a pink robe around the house, danced to Thriller, and had a head resembling that of Timmy from South Park. And no, this little annoying fuck doesn't even come to play in this tale. I'm just setting context. I know what you're thinking, we're heading down the road of gayness and it must end at me seeing a penis. Well friends, it doesn't. It is far worse than that.





One of the fellow interns who was 21 had a party at his condo. He actually invited myself and little fucking Timothy. This was probably the second party I had been to in college and the first one where I had actually attempted to consume beer. I couldn't even drink the Bud Light because I thought it tasted like shit. You probably think this part of the story alone makes me a huge fag, but it gets worse folks. At this party while everyone else is drinking and enjoying themselves, I decide to play a game of poker with Timothy and two other interns I can't even remember now. This was after the point in which I sipped the Bud Light, snuck over to the kitchen, and poured all of its contents into the sink. Gotta love these painful memories. So as we're playing this game of poker, I notice two girls in the other room giggling and taking pictures. I'm thinking nothing of it and continuing to play until I lose 5 dollars to Timmy. Whoopdie fucking doo.





I end up grabbing another Bud Light to look cool and just chill on the couch. Some random meathead looking dude comes up to me and says,





"Those girls in there think you're cute."





"You're fucking with me."





"Nah man, I'm not."





This back and forth went for like a few minutes but it still didn't quite hit me that I was at a fucking Intel intern party, there wasn't much on the sausage platter for the ladies. I still thought this dude was fucking with me. I had never been or felt like an alpha dog anywhere. This was my time to shine. So both of the girls end up coming over to the couch.





These bitches got to be fucking with me.





So they both sit down surrounding me.





Oh they're definitely fucking with me.





The uglier one starts talking to me and we start chatting it up, which was surprising for me even at this stage of my life. The hot one on my right interjects and I find out these two are roommates. All I know is the ugly one had a plain name and the hot one had some exotic name like Eva or some shit. Who honestly gives a fuck? So I keep pretending to drink my beer, chatting it up and Timothy the fucking cock block interjects with some stupid ass story that I don't even fucking remember. These girls shut him out and keep talking to me.





Something is not right here. There has to be some trick to this.





I find out these girls are like 25 and I was dumb enough to tell them I was 19. I figured this would shy them away. Nope. They ate that shit up. I was this little innocent dude to them that they wanted to corrupt. It was like nothing I could say would fuck this up. Or maybe I could.





So one of the intern party hosts' girlfriend came over and wanted to play a drinking game. This gal was sly to these girls' lust for me so she decided make things interesting. She dared them both to make out with me. They both were being put on the spot but wouldn't do it and I was saying the douchey nice guy thing,





"Oh no, you guys don't have to. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable."





When in all actuality it was going to make my geek ass uncomfortable. So after a few minutes of some more back and forth, the girlfriend of the host says, "Fine if you guys won't do it, I will." So she gave me an extended peck in front of these two broads. By the way, in case you wanted some stats on this situation, this was the second kiss of my life. The first of which was a botched attempt that we would make it into the Top 10 gay moments, but we'll leave that one out. Anyway, the girls end up not kissing me at this point. The story is getting gayer, but we're still not at the gayest part yet.





So, these girls keep on talking and getting drunker. I keep on talking and looking more attractive to them. They know I'm sober because I keep nursing that one beer and they say the following:





"Hey do you want to drive us back to our place? We live in Boston."





Folks, Boston is about a 45 minute drive from Worcester down I-90. That's it. But all my geek ass could think about is, "How the fuck would I get back? What if I get a ticket? What if I put a scratch on their fucking car because I'm such a seeping vagina?" I play it cool and brush it off, but cock block Timothy says the following.





"I'm getting bored here, I'm going to head home."





It was 12:15 at night. 12 fucking 15 at night. I was dumb enough to ride with him to the damn party. So I have a choice, do I stay and continue to talk to these two chicks, possibly drive them home and have a slumber party where I'm still afraid to touch them or do I head home with the tard-faced, Michael Jackson impressionist and keep my immaculate driving record intact?





What choice do you think I made?





As I was about to leave with my driving record unblemished, Eva the hot one comes by and gives me a kiss on the cheek. That's when the OFM moment hit me, but I couldn't turn back. I had made my bed. I did give them my number but the damage was done. I passed up losing my virginity in a threesome. Yep. You may not believe me. Fuck I still didn't believe it at the time, but a week later at another party the girlfriend I kissed came up to me and confirmed they both would've done me.





I honestly don't think there is anything gayer than turning down a threesome. Ok accepting a Devil's threesome would have been a much gayer event, but that never happened. And will never happen much to Mrs. T's dismay.





However that moment in Worcester was possibly the gayest moment of my life and I hope you feel better about yourselves because of it.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Wednesday, January 13, 2010