I had a dream once. My dream was to make the greatest video game ever, combining a vivid story with superfluous violence and a massive amount of debauchery. Well some brilliant fucker named Peter Molyneux beat me to the punch. He's created a masterpiece called Fable 2. In this game you play a boy or a girl who grows up to be a hero and avenge the death of his or her sibling. The path you get to becoming a hero is yours to choose. You can practically do whatever you want, kill/fuck/marry whoever you want, and make a profit from anything/anyone. Well being that I am an asshole, I chose to stretch the definition of the term hero and become the biggest bastard possible. Here is a list of the events that transpired between the time my sister got gatted in the face by some prick named Lucien to the time I found Lucien and had my rifle send him to Jesus, who then forwarded him to Moses and cc-ed him to Allah (Thank you Young Jeezy for that gem).
- After growing up in a gypsy camp, I left the homestead and became a blacksmith to start collecting the funds.
- Bought some fly ass gear that made me look like a regal buccaneer.
- Started to get some vagina marinating with my fly ass gear.
- No women at this time would sleep with me without being engaged and having a house, so I got my real estate on.
- Married a woman who already was taken by some douchebag. I nicknamed her "My Sloot" and since I didn't have a rubber handy (you do have the choice of using protection) I impregnated her with my son who I appropriately named Trojan.
- Accrued some wealth to pick up a second house and a second broad and a second child. As a warning, I did not ever find out where rubbers were sold. This is a common theme in my adventures in this game. This one was a bar maid in some hick ass town.
- The Bar maid was not happy with the fact I solely used her as a fuck hole and left me. Her bitch ass also caused some glitch in the game so that I could not sell the house or rent it out to some bastard. I still used this as a fuck pad for random drunk sloots when I finally realized I didn't have to marry them to use them as cum depositories.
- In this game you can be gay so I kinda wanted to see what would happen and how people in the game would respond if I did in fact screw a dude. So I bring some flamer back to the ole fuck pad but the game would not let me commence in the old pitch and catcher routine. So I did what I felt was my only choice, I offed the dude with one swing of my mallet. The dude squealed and brought me back to that famous scene in Deliverance. Hate crimes in video games, that's a first.
- A warning pops up in the game saying watch out for unprotected sex because it increases your chance of getting an STD. Go figure huh? At this point forward, I try to fuck everything in my path to see how many STD's I can accumulate over the course of a game.
- This game has it all, including cults. So I join the Temple of Shadows. In order to get in I had to eat 5 live baby chicks in front of the gatekeeper. Then in order to become an upstanding member of the congregation I had to make random sacrifices to the Wheel of Fortune. The wheel determined the manner in which the sacrificial lamb would get got including incineration, shock therapy or a vicious stabbing.
- My first sacrifice ends up being the third woman I proposed marriage to but instead of bringing her to another house, I brought her to the temple to get got. As she got stabbed, I yelled "Psyche!" I'm bringing it back. She thought she was going to get some of my Shawn Kemp money but I told her "Like Doritos that's not-yo cheese."
- I get to this place which has a bunch of prostitutes so I keep on hitting that shit raw but I don't see any notification that I got an STD. This upsets me greatly so I keep in my pursuit of the clap.
- I become an assassin to start making more money. The reasons these people have a price on their head is pretty hilarious. One person was requested to be killed because she talked too much. Sounds like justifiable homicide to me.
- Health potions are tough to come by sometimes, but since I have money I buy a lot of food to get my health up including filet mignon pies. That shit makes this evil cracker a fat ass evil cracker. The various women I continue to pork begin to complain that I am crushing them. All this tells me is that I am an uncreative lover and only like the missionary position. This game still has room to improve.
- Because I'm not evil quite enough I become a slaver. Much like a pedophile, I lure an unsuspecting victim into a trap where two men jump them and lock them in a cage. I'm all about that money.
- Finally, after all of the crap I put my first wife through, her and Trojan left me. Can't really blame the broad. Immediately after this I rented out the place she vacated. I knew I could find a way to profit from this somehow. I also found a new woman, wifed her, impregnated her, and farted in her face because she seemed to like it. She also liked it when I thrusted my pelvis in a vulgar fashion in her direction. I like this girl. She definitely won't get sacrificed...yet.
- I sneak into Lucien's lair for some reconnaissance only to become a prison guard for about 10 years. I end up starving at least three prisoners to death and offing a fellow prison guard.
- I notice the logbook which tracks my character's actions, likeability, successes and many other stats including murders and sexual exploits. Looks like I did in fact pick up an STD...five of them to be exact. I screw one more whore commando to pick up my sixth.
- In between all of this fucking and murder I do complete quests to progress myself through the game and I eventually get to that rat bastard Lucien and shoot him in the face. I then have a choice of saving all of those murdered by him, saving my family or being incredibly wealthy. Obviously I pick the wealth. All of Albion hates me, but I am alright with that.
- With my riches, I buy a castle and find a potion in the castle that allows me to change my sex. Of course I had to do so, hoping to become a raging dyke.
I have not played since the sex change but I have a feeling I'm going to come back to this game. You can't make up this type of shit.
Greatest. Game. Ever.
3 comments:
You little fucker, this post made me start playing this game last night!
You're now the second person I've recruited. You're not above video games Young Hova. No one is.
I've never laughed out loud at anything you've posted but this. The new wife was obviously a keeper.
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