I had a dream once. My dream was to make the greatest video game ever, combining a vivid story with superfluous violence and a massive amount of debauchery. Well some brilliant fucker named Peter Molyneux beat me to the punch. He's created a masterpiece called Fable 2. In this game you play a boy or a girl who grows up to be a hero and avenge the death of his or her sibling. The path you get to becoming a hero is yours to choose. You can practically do whatever you want, kill/fuck/marry whoever you want, and make a profit from anything/anyone. Well being that I am an asshole, I chose to stretch the definition of the term hero and become the biggest bastard possible. Here is a list of the events that transpired between the time my sister got gatted in the face by some prick named Lucien to the time I found Lucien and had my rifle send him to Jesus, who then forwarded him to Moses and cc-ed him to Allah (Thank you Young Jeezy for that gem).
- After growing up in a gypsy camp, I left the homestead and became a blacksmith to start collecting the funds.
- Bought some fly ass gear that made me look like a regal buccaneer.
- Started to get some vagina marinating with my fly ass gear.
- No women at this time would sleep with me without being engaged and having a house, so I got my real estate on.
- Married a woman who already was taken by some douchebag. I nicknamed her "My Sloot" and since I didn't have a rubber handy (you do have the choice of using protection) I impregnated her with my son who I appropriately named Trojan.
- Accrued some wealth to pick up a second house and a second broad and a second child. As a warning, I did not ever find out where rubbers were sold. This is a common theme in my adventures in this game. This one was a bar maid in some hick ass town.
- The Bar maid was not happy with the fact I solely used her as a fuck hole and left me. Her bitch ass also caused some glitch in the game so that I could not sell the house or rent it out to some bastard. I still used this as a fuck pad for random drunk sloots when I finally realized I didn't have to marry them to use them as cum depositories.
- In this game you can be gay so I kinda wanted to see what would happen and how people in the game would respond if I did in fact screw a dude. So I bring some flamer back to the ole fuck pad but the game would not let me commence in the old pitch and catcher routine. So I did what I felt was my only choice, I offed the dude with one swing of my mallet. The dude squealed and brought me back to that famous scene in Deliverance. Hate crimes in video games, that's a first.
- A warning pops up in the game saying watch out for unprotected sex because it increases your chance of getting an STD. Go figure huh? At this point forward, I try to fuck everything in my path to see how many STD's I can accumulate over the course of a game.
- This game has it all, including cults. So I join the Temple of Shadows. In order to get in I had to eat 5 live baby chicks in front of the gatekeeper. Then in order to become an upstanding member of the congregation I had to make random sacrifices to the Wheel of Fortune. The wheel determined the manner in which the sacrificial lamb would get got including incineration, shock therapy or a vicious stabbing.
- My first sacrifice ends up being the third woman I proposed marriage to but instead of bringing her to another house, I brought her to the temple to get got. As she got stabbed, I yelled "Psyche!" I'm bringing it back. She thought she was going to get some of my Shawn Kemp money but I told her "Like Doritos that's not-yo cheese."
- I get to this place which has a bunch of prostitutes so I keep on hitting that shit raw but I don't see any notification that I got an STD. This upsets me greatly so I keep in my pursuit of the clap.
- I become an assassin to start making more money. The reasons these people have a price on their head is pretty hilarious. One person was requested to be killed because she talked too much. Sounds like justifiable homicide to me.
- Health potions are tough to come by sometimes, but since I have money I buy a lot of food to get my health up including filet mignon pies. That shit makes this evil cracker a fat ass evil cracker. The various women I continue to pork begin to complain that I am crushing them. All this tells me is that I am an uncreative lover and only like the missionary position. This game still has room to improve.
- Because I'm not evil quite enough I become a slaver. Much like a pedophile, I lure an unsuspecting victim into a trap where two men jump them and lock them in a cage. I'm all about that money.
- Finally, after all of the crap I put my first wife through, her and Trojan left me. Can't really blame the broad. Immediately after this I rented out the place she vacated. I knew I could find a way to profit from this somehow. I also found a new woman, wifed her, impregnated her, and farted in her face because she seemed to like it. She also liked it when I thrusted my pelvis in a vulgar fashion in her direction. I like this girl. She definitely won't get sacrificed...yet.
- I sneak into Lucien's lair for some reconnaissance only to become a prison guard for about 10 years. I end up starving at least three prisoners to death and offing a fellow prison guard.
- I notice the logbook which tracks my character's actions, likeability, successes and many other stats including murders and sexual exploits. Looks like I did in fact pick up an STD...five of them to be exact. I screw one more whore commando to pick up my sixth.
- In between all of this fucking and murder I do complete quests to progress myself through the game and I eventually get to that rat bastard Lucien and shoot him in the face. I then have a choice of saving all of those murdered by him, saving my family or being incredibly wealthy. Obviously I pick the wealth. All of Albion hates me, but I am alright with that.
- With my riches, I buy a castle and find a potion in the castle that allows me to change my sex. Of course I had to do so, hoping to become a raging dyke.
I have not played since the sex change but I have a feeling I'm going to come back to this game. You can't make up this type of shit.
Greatest. Game. Ever.
