As you get older, you start to take things for granted. Your health, your ability to compete in sports, your wealth, your ability to last longer than 30 seconds bumping uglies with your lady-friend are all things we all take for granted from time to time. I guess since I'm in my 20's I tend to do this more because I still have this feeling of invincibility even though the idea of my death sometimes lingers in my mind. However there is one thing I will NEVER take for granted and will always appreciate whenever it happens. It is a rarity, but something that will perk you up quicker than a Red Bull Vodka yet could be overlooked in one's life when it does occur. I feel it is my duty to shed light on this matter and let you know that this moment should be cherished. In fact I revere it so much that I feel it should always be capitalized. My friends, let me present to you, the Immaculate.
The Immaculate One-Wiper or simply put the Immaculate is a bowel movement which requires no use of toilet paper of any kind. Most people would think, "Who gives a shit?" Well to you naysayers please answer the following question: "When was the last time you took a dump that required no use of toilet paper?"
I bet you can't remember. But you should. You should mark that down on your calendar as a good day in your life. Shitting is a necessity in one's life to live and as you get older it becomes more of a hassle. Since it is a necessity a good shit is overlooked and a great shit isn't even reminisced about in one's daydreams. But it should. However according to http://www.unasked.com/, the average male will spend an average 3 years of their lives with their ass on porcelain. Look it up. It's science. So you might as well appreciate when God and more importantly, your digestive system, decide to cut you a break and save you an extra 5-10 mins de-scatting your ass.
Let me break it down for you even further. An Immaculate requires the following:
1) Perfect combination of foods
2) Almost perfect health
3) Superb sphincter control
4) Patience
Without any of one of these three, it is impossible. The best way to compare it is pitching a perfect game in baseball. Everything has to be going your way. If you eat some bad Chinese, your shit is rounding the bases like Jose Reyes. If you have any sort of illness, the first thing to suffer is normally your fecal matter and your pitch count. If you are a pre-emptive pincher, then it is like you're getting cocky and losing focus on your true goal. If you try to force it and you don't just let it happen, you let a possible no-hitter slip away and you're being pulled out of the game because you're beat up and bruised. Here how the pitches would go in the following games:
Perfect Game: This is the Immaculate. It pushes through any foiliage with no impedances, exits cleanly with only a pinch at the very end, and drops into the bowl with little splash. You are so confident with this bowel movement that you feel there is no need to check wipe as it baked in the oven for a few hours making it well-formed and hard as a rock. Push too hard however you end up throwing a...
No Hitter: This is the Immaculate One-Wiper. It is much like the Immaculate but a check-wipe occurs. You still had a superb outing however you did not achieve perfection. Sometimes the push is too strained and caused some battle scars or there is a preemptive pinch, or worse of al you were not confident in your shit and still check-wiped for good nature. A failure by no means, but still not perfection.
Complete Game: Great outing but pinched way too early and required multiple wipes.
Lasted 7 innings: Great outing as well but required several wipes of only residual waste.
Lasted 5 innings: You started off pitching well but unfortunately weather conditions and in this case, overgrown foliage got in the way and you spent 10 minutes searching for Rudy Huxtable in the bushes.
Lasted 3 innings: You started off sloppy and try to end up making ground by over-compensating which leads to some explosive situations at the mound. Your relievers have to spend the remainder of the game cleaning up your mess and pitching the game into extra innings which usually leaves some redness and some hurt feelings.
The Zambrano(Complete Chernobyl Meltdown): This would pretty much equate to you getting food poisoning or the flu and basically pissing out of your ass. Have fun killing the environment with your rampant waste of toilet paper.
I have achieved all but the true Immaculate. I've thrown a few no-hitters in my day but I am still seeking perfection. I'm always too much of a pussy and check wipe. If you think I have a sick fascination with shit, you're either a woman or just don't get it. It is a feeling that is indescribable to those who do not hold it in high regard.
The Immaculate One-Wiper or simply put the Immaculate is a bowel movement which requires no use of toilet paper of any kind. Most people would think, "Who gives a shit?" Well to you naysayers please answer the following question: "When was the last time you took a dump that required no use of toilet paper?"
I bet you can't remember. But you should. You should mark that down on your calendar as a good day in your life. Shitting is a necessity in one's life to live and as you get older it becomes more of a hassle. Since it is a necessity a good shit is overlooked and a great shit isn't even reminisced about in one's daydreams. But it should. However according to http://www.unasked.com/, the average male will spend an average 3 years of their lives with their ass on porcelain. Look it up. It's science. So you might as well appreciate when God and more importantly, your digestive system, decide to cut you a break and save you an extra 5-10 mins de-scatting your ass.
Let me break it down for you even further. An Immaculate requires the following:
1) Perfect combination of foods
2) Almost perfect health
3) Superb sphincter control
4) Patience
Without any of one of these three, it is impossible. The best way to compare it is pitching a perfect game in baseball. Everything has to be going your way. If you eat some bad Chinese, your shit is rounding the bases like Jose Reyes. If you have any sort of illness, the first thing to suffer is normally your fecal matter and your pitch count. If you are a pre-emptive pincher, then it is like you're getting cocky and losing focus on your true goal. If you try to force it and you don't just let it happen, you let a possible no-hitter slip away and you're being pulled out of the game because you're beat up and bruised. Here how the pitches would go in the following games:
Perfect Game: This is the Immaculate. It pushes through any foiliage with no impedances, exits cleanly with only a pinch at the very end, and drops into the bowl with little splash. You are so confident with this bowel movement that you feel there is no need to check wipe as it baked in the oven for a few hours making it well-formed and hard as a rock. Push too hard however you end up throwing a...
No Hitter: This is the Immaculate One-Wiper. It is much like the Immaculate but a check-wipe occurs. You still had a superb outing however you did not achieve perfection. Sometimes the push is too strained and caused some battle scars or there is a preemptive pinch, or worse of al you were not confident in your shit and still check-wiped for good nature. A failure by no means, but still not perfection.
Complete Game: Great outing but pinched way too early and required multiple wipes.
Lasted 7 innings: Great outing as well but required several wipes of only residual waste.
Lasted 5 innings: You started off pitching well but unfortunately weather conditions and in this case, overgrown foliage got in the way and you spent 10 minutes searching for Rudy Huxtable in the bushes.
Lasted 3 innings: You started off sloppy and try to end up making ground by over-compensating which leads to some explosive situations at the mound. Your relievers have to spend the remainder of the game cleaning up your mess and pitching the game into extra innings which usually leaves some redness and some hurt feelings.
The Zambrano(Complete Chernobyl Meltdown): This would pretty much equate to you getting food poisoning or the flu and basically pissing out of your ass. Have fun killing the environment with your rampant waste of toilet paper.
I have achieved all but the true Immaculate. I've thrown a few no-hitters in my day but I am still seeking perfection. I'm always too much of a pussy and check wipe. If you think I have a sick fascination with shit, you're either a woman or just don't get it. It is a feeling that is indescribable to those who do not hold it in high regard.
3 comments:
Dude. You've taken poo and made it an art form!
But you've neglected to mention the 'Ghost Immaculate'. Not only do you not need to wipe, but the turd somehow magically makes its way down the pipe all on its own. No need to wipe OR flush!
You're right and in fact the Holy Trinity should be alluded to in this discussion.
-The Father being an Immaculate that lets out a thunderous roar yet smells like the Plague.
-The Son being the regular Immaculate. The shit should float like little Brown Baby Jesus resting in a manger.
-And last but not least the Holy Ghost. My only issue is that I feel goosebumps are a necessary requirement for a Ghost Immaculate. If you don't shiver nor feel like Swayze, then it's a no go. Truly the toughest fecal feat there is.
Bwahahahaha. I almost dropped a Zambrano reading this! Bravo!
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