Find the Knob in the Picture

I can not deny it, I have some major nerdish tendencies. I have a degree in Computer Engineering, I work in IT and worst of all my main vice is deemed one of a spindly recluse who still lives in his mother's basement.

Hi, my name is Higgy and I'm addicted to video games.

Ok maybe I'm not addicted to video games so much as addicted to buying video games because I have more of them in my place than I know what to do with. And it is not like every spare moment I have I spend on video games either. I do play recreational sports and do go out with my friends so I feel as though sometimes too much of my expendable income is invested in video games I don't have time to play.

So with a heavy heart and an unwillingness to move this crap to my new apartment, I went into a GameStop a month or so ago to sell a lot of old games and systems I had that just were collecting dust. I mean A LOT. I sold five over-stuffed grocery bags with old video games and video game systems that were ripping the plastic right off of the bag. It took all three of the clerks at the store to itemize my trove. Being in the store was not nozzle-ish enough for me, I had to make every other douche in line wait for my games to be sold at pennies to the dollar spent on them. There was one game in fact that I got 75 cents in STORE CREDIT for which I probably spent $40 on at the time of purchase. Yes I said store credit. I would actually get less dollar value than that if took cash and the story I'm about to tell would never have happened. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing at this point.

So with the $500 in store credit I got, I could save on pre-ordering games to be released in the coming months. So with that in mind I pre-ordered a few games one of which was Star Wars: The Force Unleashed. The clerk, Chris, was very pushy on how GameStop was having a "midnight release party" where there would be costumed Jedi's at the store, Star Wars trivia, etc. and you could pick up the game at midnight of the day of the release. Why people (sorry they like to be called "gamers") can't wait 10 hours until the store opens up to pick up the game is beyond me. So at this point I tried to ignore Chris and his rants of Jedi revelry because I felt I was above the Star Wars fanboy fray.

Fast forward two months later, the idea of this midnight release party didn't seem so bad for several reasons.
1) It was a Monday night and I had nothing to do.
2) I never understood fanboy-ism and wanted to see it in the flesh.
3) The prospect of shitting upon a different demographic seemed appealing to me.

However I did not want to do this alone so I solicited the help of my friends Nik and T-Pain. With little convincing they were in on this little adventure. It also helped that they both had enough trivia knowledge in Star Wars to be useful if fanboys tested our Jedi worthiness.

Since T-Pain has attended to various Anime conventions and I still consider him a credible human being since I could never imagine him in fictional character garb, I had the following dialogue with him.

Higgy- "What is the appeal of dressing up in costume at these 'conventions.'"
T-Pain- "There's probably not a way to explain it which you would understand. The best I can relate it is that it's like wearing a jersey of your favorite football player. You don't have a real good reason for wearing it besides the fact they are your 'favorite' football player or football team."
Higgy- "But those football players are real."
T-Pain- "Well a long time ago in a galaxy far far away, Jedi probably existed too."
Higgy- "So you consider George Lucas--"
T-Pain- "A Prophet? Yes."

I neglected to mention Nik forged a light-saber out of an empty roll of Brawny and a curled up file folder. Creative is he. Here I am striking down upon T-Pain with brute force of the Dark Side.

So with that in mind we roll three deep to the Gamestop 15 minutes before midnight. First we drive by to see a few people outside including two parents and their young girls playing with light sabers but we see no costumed crusaders. We're immediately disappointed. We park and tred slowly towards the store anxious we're going to be the only losers there. As the store's patrons come into view I start to get very giddy. Much to my glee I spy five people are dressed up as Star Wars characters. The power of hateration was building up inside of me at that point and I could not stop laughing. They had legitimate light-sabers which probably cost hundreds of dollars so I was hesitant to bring in Nik's crafted blade but with a slight guilt trip on his part, I unsheathed the weapon and walked toward the store.

I try to compose myself but it is not working. As I enter the door, the glee I had once had turned into instant disgust. This oddly familiar odor of sweat and stale cheese cinged the hairs in my nostrils and made me gag for a second. I had smelled this before. Then I look around and see heavy-set fanboys all around quoting Star Wars lines and getting a little too excited about this release. I sure as hell knew the stank was not coming from myself but realized it probably was the combination of unbathed layers of fat and skin drenched in sweat and semen that has built up for weeks in anticipation of this game. That shit was that foul, not even kidding.

We walked around since there was no set line to see our clerk friend Chris. He was telling us we should've came earlier because we missed the trivia and the costume contest portions of the evening. I was starting to feel even more uncomfortable at that point. I walk up to the register, patiently wait for another clerk to stop popping a chubby with an Ogrish-looking broad with frizzy hair by talking Sci-Fi and give me my damn game voucher. Once that is done I walk around the store some more and see a fellow hater filming this nerd convention on his camera phone and giggling to himself the whole time. We start talking and he shows me the pictures of this debacle and he tells me, "Man I'm gonna edit the hell out of this shit." He then caught a glimpse of my badass lightsaber and instantly starts laughing his ass off and wants a picture with it.

Sir Lucious Left-Foot getting his hate on

I then see the flicker of the light sabers outside and dash over there with Nik's camera to get a picture with the costumed nozzles. Qui-Gon Jinn was probably the largest anal lavage there. He asked if I wanted to wield his light saber and I told him, "I'd rather hold my custom-made blade thank you very much." He wasn't very bright and didn't catch onto the fact I was mocking this whole charade.

Crossing Swords with the Jedi's

Just look into how much he stays into character. Being a nozzle also takes commitment to your craft. He has definitely honed in on that shit. I think Mace Windu was definitely catching the hater vibes I was dropping.


I then go back and stand in line next to one of the husky cum-targets, grab my game and exit the store. I however don't leave without one more picture. Right before this picture is taken I try to rally more of the costumed patrons around me by saying "Saber Up!" This was the result.

Thug Life!

Try to find the biggest douchebag in that picture. Don't strain too hard.