Intramural Sports

You may ask yourself from time to time, "What does such a magnanimous and virtuous soul such as Higgy do in his free time?" Well besides mocking people and spreading the word that I have a awkwardly large penis, I play intramural sports. Maintaining a magnificently cut body like mine requires much physical activity and I only like physical activity with a purpose. However intramural sports brings out the worst in people. Intramural sports provide a competitive arena to those who were not physically gifted enough to become a professional athlete yet these athletes treat the competition with an intensity unrivaled by a scorned lover. The intensity for some odd reason grows stronger when the intramural sport is sponsored by your employer. Crossing someone over, dunking on someone, hitting a home run, or running for a touchdown against your co-workers won't get you a promotion or even laid for that matter, but these people just do not give a fuck. The majority of these nozzles are former high-school athletes attempting to re-live their glory days by showing how much of a bad ass they are when they play against feeble competition.





Now if you're thinking, "Higgy, you're just saying this because you're an unathletic fuck who couldn't hold my jock strap nor fellate me as I would so desire," I'll respond with the following. I realize I am not God's gift to sport but I feel and my peers agree that I am athletic enough to be competitive amongst the majority of my co-workers. However I do understand I am playing a competitive sport sponsored by my employer, so I probably should act the fuck up. Some people do not realize this lesson and shit tends to turn sour. Here's an example of a recent occurence.





We were playing a call-center team in basketball where the vast majority of the squad was black. Stereotypes are stereotypes so you figure, "Well by golly, we gonna get our asses kicked." Our team always makes every game competitive but there was no way we were going to out run these guys. They had one dude who looked like Reggie Bush and jumped out of the damn gym. He also had a mouth that was begging me to fist it. So for the most part we keep it close which is much to the disdain of Mr. Bush so he starts spewing crap. And spewed he did. He couldn't stop talking. He just couldn't help himself. He talked during our free throws. He talked after he jumped over us. He was telling us we were worthless. He was telling us we had no reason to be out there.



Well funny he said that because he actually didn't belong out there. It must've been just a coincidence this guy was ejected out of his previous game. Go figure. Well his ejection in the previous game made him ineligible for his game against us. Well this began an email chain of epic proportions. We notified the organizer of this league that the rule was breached. This is what began:

From Doucher (with Reggie Bush on the email chain)

I don’t know if there was any decision made regarding this email. To be fair, we can have Reggie Bush sit out our game Monday vs. (Other Team).

We didn't exactly think that was "fair" so I retorted in the following way, word for word:

From Higgy (with Reggie Bush still on the email chain)

Doucher,

I think we're going to have to wait until Monday when (the organizer) can talk to the ref in order to decide on the rule. However with that being said I do not feel your solution is fair since as the rule is written, the ejected player is required to sit out the following game. So here are the two options which our team believes are fair that I wanted to throw out there.

-Team Doucher forfeits their victory against Team Higgy
-Team Doucher replays the match against Team Higgy without Reggie Bush

I want to point out that our team did not appreciate Reggie's candor towards our team during the game. Remember this is a work league where players of various skill sets are participating. A higher level of respect toward your fellow competitor is required.

Thank you,

Higgy

I'm sure he was too dumb to grasp how much he got owned by that, but the message was thrown out there. This handing of ass hopefully brought back the sting he had felt when abandoned by his parents and his foster mom told him how disappointed she was in him for being too much of a Corky to be able to color inside the lines. Just a typical Friday in the working world.

Due to the fact one of our players had knowledge of this ejection, I should have known this as well. Because of that we did not get the forfeit. However Reggie Bush will be unable to play their first playoff game which pretty much fucks their chances of actually getting to the championship game. And for winning the championship you get your team picture on a plaque for no less than 2 weeks. I'm dead serious. This is what we all are competing for. We could not be bigger douchebags.

I'm pretty sure we have no meaning in our lives.