The Feasibility of a Blumpkin

UrbanDictionary.com defines a Blumpkin as the following:

Blumpkin (n)

The act of receiving a blow job and taking a dump on the toilet at the same time.

The delicately balanced art of getting your cock sucked while taking a dump.

And my favorite:

The time honored tradition of receiving a "knobber" whilst taking a "dumple stiltskin."


If you were unaware of what a blumpkin was until now, I'm glad you finally crawled out of your cave. It is a term that gets thrown around in various circles for the purpose of humor but it is rare you hear of someone who has committed the act itself. Maybe I have this view because I lead a sheltered life but maybe I choose not to associate myself with those who actually get off on that. The only reason I bring the topic up is that it was brought up during a conversation I had with T-Pain. He brought up the valid point that a blumpkin would be near impossible for a regular gentleman to achieve no matter what some brash fuck tells you. I agreed with him for the following reasons:

1) If you were constipated, there would be no way you could mask the fact you were attempting to defecate without her noticing your
a) Awkwardly Strained Grunts
b) General Fecal Stank
c) Inability to spray life force in her mouth

2) If you had a case of the runs, it would be impossible to hold it long enough for her to finish the job without her hearing you rip ass prior to Zambrano-ing the toilet. If she actually did continue, I'm fairly certain any upstanding gentleman would not want a such a fellatious sloot to continue for fear of certain penile diseases. Also if you were still able to dish out a 5 roper, you probably are pretty fucked up and actually enjoyed viewing 2 Girls, 1 Cup.

3) If you had perfect constitution and had an Immaculate within reach, there is no way you could focus on both drop a clean deuce and making the blower gag on your shit. The only possible way this could occur is if you let the food baby brew for a little while, get blown, and then drop the Theo Huxtable off at the pool. But the focus would be so much on holding back Theo that you probably could not whitewash her mouth.


However after thinking about it for awhile there may be a chance the Blumpkin would be possible. It would require the following things:

1) The recipient would have to be somewhat tipsy to slightly drunk to ignore the odor while the fellator would have to be completely hammered to the point of convulsing.

2) The recipient would have to be brewing a potential one-hitter for fear the noise of grunts or flatulence would scare the drunken knob slobber of the knob.

3) You know when you have those day after drinking shits and they just slip right out of you? Well you would have to had consumed alcohol the night before in order for the Red October to occur as to mask the turd with silence.

4) The act could not be premeditated at all. Although it is easier to defecate while drunk, predicting this situation would be near impossible. The stars would have to align, Hell would have to freeze over, and Obama would have to openly admit he is the second coming of Jesus. If all that shit happen, then you MIGHT have a chance of pulling it off.

Please tell me where my logic is off