Yes you read that correctly. Every guy thinks their penis is the exception. They think they're packing heat. They think if any girl caught just a glimpse of their mammoth cock, that girl would drop trough, spread legs and prepare herself for her gynecological exam. I'm no exception, except for the fact that my penis is way more awesome than yours. Guaranteed.
My penis is special. Unique. Breath taking. Some of my friends and people who don't even know me know my penis. They could pick it out of a cock line-up. Some could and would sculpt it out of clay as a memorial. You may ask, "Why is your penis so renowned that Ron Jeremy has grown envious?" Valid question. Some of my friends believe that it started with an unfortunate incident with an Ewok mauling. Other colleagues believe it began with a trip down someone's Yangtze River where only my innate immunity to malaria and jaundice allowed me to survive.
However these people are wrong. It actually all started early in my youth, before I was tainted by the stank of stale gapes, with a song my mom sang to me as a young child. A song written and performed for me about my love affair with my penis.
As a young boy, I did not have the ability to purchase my own clothing since I had neither a job nor any other skills besides the ability to build structures out of Legos. My mother would buy me briefs that wrapped my package just a little too tight. I had no idea that underwear was not supposed to chicken choke your developing nutsack; I mean I was fucking 5 years old. At the age of 5, you are able to dress yourself, but with clothes your mother picked out for you. Also at this age, I was knowledgeable of the fact that you aren't supposed to puppeteer your penis in public. So while I was playing games like "Duck, Duck, Goose" (probably the most discriminating game out there, blog post on that to follow) and Freeze Tag, my childhood genatalia would find itself in precarious situations. It would twist and turn and end up underneath my balls becoming rather uncomfortable. So knowing that I could not grab my junk at the time, I had to adjust myself by gyrating my legs, stretching awkardly, jerking at the waist of my jeans, and any other indirect effort of futility. So trying to remain inconspicuous, I turned away from everyone and grabbed my shaft through my shorts or pants and placed my prick in neutral position.
neutral position - a comfortable position for the penis and gonads in briefs where the balls are beneath the penis and the penis points straight up. Also known as 12 o'clock.
My mother noticed me grabbing at my junk and would start singing the song aptly titled, "The Winky Pull." If you don't understand where the term Winky is derived from, please wait for my remedial course. Here are a few of the lyrics of this simple, yet timeless classic.
"Ah do the winky pull, the winky pull,
Higgy's doing the winky pull, the winky pull
Uh Uh Uh Uh Uh Ah Uh Uh Uh Uh Uh"
This would prompt the following response said in the whiniest of child voices.
"Moooommmmm!!!!"
"Don't you bathe child? Stop pulling on your winky. You'll
get a stutter."
And sure enough I got a stutter. Many sessions with a speech pathologist and the late discovery of J-ing the O and voila! Stutter is gone. Ok the stutter was a complete fabrication. However what is not a lie is the fact that later on in my youth my mother purchased me a cup for tee-ball (I wasn't even a fuckin catcher) which was a couple of sizes too small. That made the winky pull even more of a public phenomenon.
Dad - "Do you think we got the boy too small of a cup"
Mom - "Well he sure does pull on his winky alot."
Fucking awesome.
But honestly, how many people have a song written by another person about their dick? Not too many. How many people have had that song written and performed to family members, school faculty, and any schmuck walking in the vicinity by their own fucking mother? Hopefully that population is limited to just myself and the inbred male population of West Virginia.
So the question you must ask yourself is, how much more awesome is my penis than yours? Huh? I think I've made my case.
Fuck, I've said too much.
No comments:
Post a Comment