Feel like you're too old for the ice capades? Live in the city? Well my friends if you follow these steps, you can recreate ice skating magic you enjoyed as a child with your friendly neighbor hobos.
1) Gather some hobos. As T-Pain has told me, the best place to find these outcasts are at hobo dumpster fires. If you start to smell the combination of urine cake and the sweat of desperation, you're close.
2) Make sure it is a somewhat Wintery day. Actually it doesn't need to be snowy, or even freezing for that matter. It just needs to be brisk. Make sure the hobos aren't wearing their normal 5 layers of worn flannel. This should add to the effect.
3) Grab a garden hose and spray some water on the concrete. Coupled with their worn shoes, this should recreate in the hobo's mind the slick surface of ice.
4) Make sure your hobo is high or allow them to ingest food laced with PCP and Meth. This will allow the hobos to recreate some of their favorite Disney/Pixar movies in ice capade form.
5) (Optional) Add a trashcan for good measure. Do so only if you could acquire 1 hobo so that they have an romantic interest in the tale on ice.
6) Watch the magic begin. Brian Boitano, eat your heart out.
Do you feel like watching Cool Runnings but don't want to go to Blockbuster? My friends, I present to you Hobo Bobsledding. Follow these steps to recreate that cinematic tale right in front of you.
1) Repeat steps 1 through 4 listed above.
2) Make sure to grab a hobo from the fire that has a shopping cart. Grab 2 of them if you can to make it an actual race, but the PCP should provide some dramatic twists and turns. If you are stingy about accurately recreating the movie, grab hobo's with dredlocks.
3) Make sure you have your copy of the Gideon's Bible onhand. This can be used for a pre-race prayer letting the hobo's know that Hell is real and the forthcoming race will help slay the demon, or to possibly save yourself from eternal damnation for manipulating hobos.
4) Let the race begin! Make sure to have some branches and rocks to throw at the competitors to create volatile race conditions.
If Hell isn't fast approaching me then it can't be real.
2 comments:
... you complain about how girly you are, yet you post about ice capades? You are your own worst enemy.
Your focus should be less on the ice skating and more on the hobos trying to slide on wet concrete. If you can't see the humor in that, then you may need to turn to meth.
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