Reasons Why My Gape is Growing

I try to act like a hardass by making fun of the weak and the meager, picking fights with people who honestly can't defend themselves even if they had the mental capacity, and pretty much being the bastard that every expects me to be. Well to you nimrods, retards, cleft-palatte owners, hoes, hobgoblins, and hebrews, today is your lucky day. Finally here is some ammunition you can and should use against me.



So I have a little secret. You may have seen this coming from me being disbarred from the Man Card holding club, but now there is a legitimate reason. I've been harboring a vagina for years. Everytime I do something effeminate or something that shames all straight testicle carrying citizens, my vagina weeps then grows. Below are several reasons my gape is in full bloom.







1) My girlfriend has my testicles in a jar. Sad part is that she made me give them to her. I did so willingly. At least Lance Armstrong put up a fight.





2) I cried during Marley & Me. Yep. We're just going to leave it at that.





3) After finding out I had a mouse (or mice, not yet confirmed), I got my dog out of the apartment, put down some rat poison, and locked myself in my room for fear that the mouse would ignore the dog food it has been throwing to enter my room and nibble at what's left of my genatalia.

4) Besides the aforementioned fact that I have a shit ton of pictures of my dog on my phone (read Why My Man Card Should Be Revoked), I worry about all of the little scratches the dog gets from baiting other mutts at the dog park into chasing her around and around until they get pissed off enough to start attacking her. I treat the dog as if it were my fucking pussy child who couldn't stand up to the bully. A side note, it's pretty fuckin hilarious to see these dogs try to chase her when they don't stand a chance in hell.

What a way for me to out my girlfriend as a lesbo.