You sunk my battle-shit!

My friends and I are 20-somethings stuck in corporate America, trying to become badasses in our respective professions yet are hampered by our inability to find a creative outlet when we get into the same mundane routine day in and day out. Although we are grown men, we are still juvenile and get chuckles at dick and fart jokes. However we must conceal our true humor in our respective workplaces since the result of said humor could be lawsuits from the easily offended. What would any man do when pinned to a corner like this? Find an out.

Hence we have the text message. A powerful tool that can send covert messages over electromagnetic wavelengths to suspecting and sometimes unsuspecting colleagues sparking chortle-filled outbursts. In recent times, we've used this mechanism to send messages as to the exact location we're at and the exact action we are taking with painstakingly detailed description. This is a tradition started by my friend Thomper and has snowballed into something bigger than ourselves. Basically we text when we are sitting at the pot "crunching a grumpy" as Thomper would say. It is our way of keeping in touch and showing how much we care. The result is shown below. (Note: The memory on my phone can only hold 100 total text messages, so many of these are not word for word and some of these are just messages I wished I was witty enough to type at the time. Fellas chime in if I forgot any or add any originals)

Thomper - "Guess what? I'm crapping!"
Higgy- "Thanks for the memo."

Higgy - "I just drowned Theo Huxtable in the pool. Definitely a hate crime there."

Hova - "You will appreciate this. I took a dump that was, no joke, at least 14 inches long and a big ole ring gauge."
Higgy - "I'm impressed with the accuracy of the measurement."
Hova - "I put my foot beside the toilet and estimated. It was down the hole but also out of the water."

Higgy - "Smells like Indian death. Trail of tears style."

Higgy- "This shit just gave me goosebumps....it's like a ghost just left
my body."
Hova - "I think it was just the idea of something coming out rather than going in."

Higgy - "Some nuclear fallout just exited my anus. Chernobyl resulted."

Higgy - "Guess what? Immaculate! It's like I'm looking at baby Jesus in the manger."

T-Pain had a good one outside of text messaging in reference to spilling bio-diesel.

T-Pain - "I have conducted a community outreach program...taking some inner city
youths to the white house."

I think you get the idea. More to follow on this I'm sure. If you have some of your own feel free to pop a squat and drop them on here. Maybe I really am a fecal-philiac.