New Beerlympics Training Regimen

As I detailed last week, my ability to handle alcohol has become non-existent. Therefore in order to handle a visit from my Columbus compadres and as a vow to myself to be less of a loose vag, I have made an effort to drink two beers a night until their arrival Halloween weekend in the heart of the Confederacy. I must be fully prepared to drink some firewater and verbally pillage on some douchebags this weekend. Here is how the training went for Week 1.


Monday Night - I was still in Columbus giving that entrance test for my employer to the cheating youth of America. I caught Seung Cho (too soon for that joke?) in the front row trying to get a head start on the test before everyone else and attempted to continue completing the test once the timer went off. It took everything I had not to burn the test right in front of him. After that bullshit, I needed to hang out with the guys so I went over to Hova's house while in Columbus and drank a beer. Hova, being the genius he is came up with a random Ohio State basketball trivia question that he knew I would answer. The resulting prize from this trivia question was a bottle of Mike's Hard Lemonade. I haven't drank that shit since I was interning in Boston and not getting any mouth hugs on my penis. Citris in my alcoholic drink just doesn't sit well with me since a Cinco de Mayo celebration with Mills resulted in me drinking Corona's with lime juice instead of limes thus causing me to exorcise my demons in another pube lined commode.


Tuesday Night - Due to flying all day and eating shitty food, my pussy was out like Lindsay Lohan's. Needless to say I abstained from drinking and let down my brethren. Story of my life.


Wednesday Night - I definitely did not plan on drinking but I got a call from T-Pain telling me he had a shitty ass day covering for dumbasses and that he needed to drink. Since he lives 10 feet away from me, I honestly couldn't say no. He brought over some Scotch and some fudge. Quite the queer combination I know, but his maple fudge was fucking delicious. Anyways I realized I was too much of a wet fuck hole to drink Scotch on the rocks so we ended up having Jack and Coke, while watching Indiana Jones get raped on South Park. My girlfriend called and said, "How full is your bucket?" Great motivation from my so-called coach.


Thursday Night - My coach/girlfriend who has also been pushing me to drink two beers a day asked me to stay the night, but had no beers in her fridge. Pretty damn weak on her part. So we ended up watching The Happening. This is the worst movie I have seen in a long time. When you cast Mark Wahlberg as a high-school science teacher who talks about the scientific method, you definitely have failed as a director and as a human being. That performance was as believable as my girlfriend pretending to enjoy the 30 seconds of pleasure my penis can provide. Halfway through my coach asks me if we should stop watching and I tell her no because "there's always a twist at the end that will make or break Shymalan's movies." Well that was a crock of shit. Pretty much you were told plants were releasing toxins in the air forcing people to off themselves as humans have become a scourge of the planet. Then their attack all of a sudden stops and all is right with the world. "Heart-pounding apocalyptic thriller" my ass. I will never watch an M. Night Shymalan film again. I should've learned my lesson from The Village.



Friday Night - Had two beers before 6:30 at a local hole in the wall 5 blocks away from my residence. People then convened at my crib and we drank while watching Robot Chicken, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and my dog being a jackass. Early in the evening I began to yawn and my girlfriend pushed my jaw up calling me a "Pansy." She was counting down the minutes to 10:30, the time at which I went convulsive on everybody. "Can you last another 30 minutes?" Total bitch move but I she did have a point. I did make it well past 10:30 thank God. My coach later in the evening was looking very tired trying to keep up with my pace while nursing her beer. Weak sauce. Even though she can't back up her words, I do appreciate how I'm moulding her into a shit-talking asshole. I'm proud.



Saturday Night - After a thrilling day running wild with my dog which ended with a Narc ending our fun at the park by calling 911 on us, T-Pain and myself went over to Simi's place to play beer pong and watch the UFC fight. I wasn't really watching much of the UFC fight as T-Pain and I were cleaning house with beer pong. I was on fire and I was letting my opponents know it. Drinking and talking shit go hand and hand with me. I normally pick on the weaker of the two opponents, this time it was Simi's girlfriend who I met for the first time. After exchanging pleasantries I pissed her off enough to huck the ping pong ball directly at my throat. I know I deserved it but I was on so much of a streak I didn't give a shit. I was so on-fire in fact that I made two death cups as well with one of them banking off of the big pony of my opponent's polo shirt and dropped into the cup. If you are unaware of the rules, the death cup is the cup of beer your opponent is currently drinking and if you make said cup they have to drink all of the beer on the table. I was nice enough not to make them drink all of the beer on the table, so it just added to my drunken state. After many games, I ended up drinking out of a bottle of wine with T-Pain, Simi, Simi's girlfriend and Paav until we finished the bottle. I normally hate wine but I was drunk enough that I could not discern between any liquid entering my mouth at that point. A pretty gay way to end the night, but I'm not the most masculine of men.

Sunday - I'm taking today off because I'm proud of my progress thus far. I drank a shit ton last night and didn't even have a hangover for my morning soccer game. My sandy vagina is still attached but hopefully my innie becomes an outie next week. More to come on my progress.