Racial, Social, and Political Menstrals

I apologize in advance for the Seinfeld-esque rant that is to follow. But I'm sorry, this is something that has been bothering me for awhile.

Why does everybody who are considered remotely different or have a random interest in something retarded have to have a celebratory month out of the year? My company thrives on these types of celebrations bringing "awarenesss" to shit that doesn't need light shed upon it. February is Black History Month. June is LGBT awareness month. September 15th begins Hispanic Heritage month. So I'm used to these kind of months. These groups of people feel slighted over the years by ignorant people so they need a whole month to shove their lifestyle into other people's faces. I understand that. Ok I don't understand it since March isn't "Caucasian Invasion" month, but as I said, I'm used to it. But the line was crossed a couple of days ago when the corporate intranet website had an article about Disability Awareness Month. Motherfucker.

Do these people actually want more attention than they already have? Probably not. I'm fully aware of these people everytime I go to a Kroger, watch an after school special or try to park anywhere at work. Their presence is already well-known with their handi-capable parking spaces and their stutters, limps, awkward gaits, deformed faces, lacking mental capacity, powder filled hands due to their inability to stop jacking off making them rub their dick raw, and other abnormalities that I doubt have gone unnoticed by the general populace. So let's put these people in more of a spotlight than the one God has already placed upon these people. Yikes.

But then I was thinking, who counts as disabled? Anyone who has a handicapped placard in their car? Anyone who never graduated from high school? Anyone who is unaware of the fact they have no talent yet still pursue acting and music careers just to end up as soft-core porn actresses? I feel the disabled population encompasses more people than the Disability Awareness Month braintrust imagined.

Then I was listening on the radio and I heard October is Domestic Abuse Awareness Month. When does this stop? Maybe I am naive, but I feel most people are aware that wife-beating hicks and football players exist in the world today. This month only brings about awareness that more of these assholes need to get got when they are in the womb. Ah...more abortion would make our world a much better place.

So I think I should come up with a random month awareness celebration of my own. Since we're on the subject of bringing awareness to something that we are already aware of, I plan on bringing awareness to I hereby declare November to be Bad Blowjob Etiquette Awareness Month.

Now I know what you're thinking, "Yes I've had a bad blowjob, who hasn't?" It's true, we've all been there and much like being black or white, getting beaten by your spouse, or fuck-tarding your way through life, you can't avoid a bad blow job here and there. Ladies, don't feel like I'm singling you out. I'm pretty sure you get the worst of it since you probably orgasm every solar eclipse. And I'm sure this includes anytime your significant other, random schmuck off the street or hired help feel inclined to dive all in your muff.

Now I am by no means an expert in teasing the clit let alone finding the female orgasm much to my girlfriend's disdain. However my real issue is not the execution but the etiquette by which the felatio is performed. Some sex expert well versed in genatalia could tell you how to suck, fuck, lick and stick right, but I want to bring back some common courtesy to the blow job. Some consideration and even appreciation needs to be displayed when applying your orals. Below is just a preview of random Blow Job Etiquette guidelines to follow in the month of November.


1) Thank your suck therapist even if the attempt failed.
Consider this the participation trophy you received for sitting on the bench in third grade basketball. This means give them a nice thank you, a hug, a kiss on the cheek, or even a kiss on the mouth if you're not weirded out by your life force being in their orifice. This does not mean pat them on the head like they are your lap dog unless you have no respect for them.

2) When felating for the love of God don't use your teeth.
Please do not gnaw on the knob unless specifically requested. Don't try to "change shit up or get real kinky" without expressed written and/or verbal consent. Our dicks are pretty much the most treasured item in our lives, please show them the respect that they deserve. That being said, I'm pretty sure many a labia have been mistreated by some ambitious nibbling.


3) Don't be afraid to give constructive criticism when your fuck buddy is terrible
Honestly, if what they're doing isn't helping you bust some ectoplasm it should be kosher to let them know. Don't knock the eager beaver for trying but sometimes you just need to lead the fox to the hole. For instance it should be socially acceptable to tell your mate, "Just because it's called a blowjob does not mean you literally blow on my penis like a candle on your birthday cake."

4) Accept constructive criticism when you're told you're terrible at felating.
If you're told that sticking any and all digits in their anus is neither pleasurable nor appreciated, sack it up, don't take it personally and try something else. This also applies when you're told "I'm not Vince Vaughn so let's not play the game 'Just the Tip'," "that slurping sound just doesn't do it for me" and "Would you please not yell 'Charge!!!' when blowing your load?"

Bad Blowjob Etiquette Awareness Month is all about promoting a healthy dialogue between sexual partners that allow the benefits of bumping uglies to be shared by all parties involved. I want to live in a world where you get what you want, when you want it and not feel ashamed to say it.

Note: These guidelines do not apply if you have no respect for the hole currently attempting to please your junk. I fully believe in making someone who should feel worthless actually feel that they aren't even a worthy suck/fuck pad.