The Penis Monologues: Part Deux

Boost Mobile Let's Go.

I should have known this would have happened because Hova is a such persistent bastard. I'll admit, this text message battle spanned from the evening of December 1st into the morning of December 2nd. We truly have nothing else better to do.

Hova - "Time to redeem! My dick makes the ladies wet, yo dick don't even
make them sweat."

Higgy - "My dick makes bitches roar, yo dick gives men anal sores."

Hova - "My dick big and bulky, yo dick sad and sulky."

Higgy - "My dick gets gawks of awe and stares, yo dick is hidden by pubic hair."

Hova - "My dick be rockin clit. Yo dick tastes like shit."

Higgy - "How does a dick rock a clit? My dick tastes like (Random Girl Hova
wanted to penetrate)'s shit"

Hova - "Oh it can be done. And of course you'd rather fuck an ass than
vagina."

Higgy - "Well where would my fist go then?"

Hova - "Up your boyfriend's ass."

At this point I would say Hova is on the offensive and is winning handilly. My futile attempt to make it personal has backfired.

Higgy - "My dick sprays 5 ropers, yo dick gets sucked by Al Roker."

Hova - "Weak. My dick Hammer of Thor, yo dick got her laughing on the
floor."

Higgy - "My dick slices bitches like Excalibur, yo dick can't even get past
her fur."

Higgy - "My dick rips her a new gash, yo dick leaves her a new rash."

Hova - "Second one is very good! My dick like Wayne Brady, yo dick can't even
get a lady."

Higgy - "What does it mean like Wayne Brady? My dick beats it like Rodney
King, yo dick makes her pee sting."

What I really should have asked was if his dick liked pretending to be black, but since that is a fond hobby of mine, I should not cast stones.

Hova - "It means it's black"

Higgy - "Yo dick spews air and's failing ya, my dick is King Kong-like
genatalia."

Hova - "Haha I have a bitch over. Go enjoy your cock?"

Higgy - "Treat her well with that small penis."

This concludes the evening bout. Without further adieu, I present to you the morning performance.

Hova - "My dick made of steel. Yo dick listens to Seal."

Higgy - "My dick is 8 inches fo real, yo dick likes making pigs
squeal."

Hova - "My dick, hard and strong. The last vagina yo dick touched was yo
mom's."

Higgy - "My dick leaves a Nagasaki stamp, yo dick leaves the gift of the
clap."

Hova - "Stamp, then clap? I know you are better than that. My dick cost 2 g's, yo dick got pubes with fleas."

At this point I believe Hova alluded to the fact he had to purchase his penis. Not much of an insult to me and more or less insults the natural girth of his member or lack thereof. Please continue.

Higgy - "My dick is more than eager to please, yo dick is riddled with disease."

Hova - "My dick tips the scale, yo dick loves anything that's male."

Higgy - "My dick has much girth to spare, yo dick has AIDS and likes to share."

Hova - "My dick, hall of fame. Yo dick, what a shame."

Higgy - "That shit was weak. My dick busts through hymen like taffy, yo dick
sticks beluga like Raffi."

Hova - "My dick, a chipotle burrito. Yo dick smaller than a mosquito."

Higgy - "My dick pillages villages, yo dick has premature spillages."

Hova - "Ooh not bad! My dick long as a flagpole, yo dick smaller than a
tadpole."

Higgy - "My dick provides a canopy in the Gobi, yo dick fucks fatties and
then owes me."

Hova - "Why would I owe you?"

It's always the worst when you have to deal with incompetence when slinging insults. It is the chink in the armor of any witty banter and ruins the whole vibe. Hova, this is the advanced course, I have no time nor patience to bring you up to speed remedial-style. But alas I wasted the time to explain the finer details to him below.

Higgy - "Because the fatty would be in my employ a.k.a. i'm her pimp."

Hova - "Subject, but I will let you slide. My dick thick and naughty. Yo
dick shriveled into yo body."

Higgy - "I don't understand your beef with fucking one of my whores paying
like everyone else."

Hova - "Haha I just feel like I hard to work to understand your
insult."

Higgy - "You're just slow"

Hova - "Maybe, but why wouldn't you pimp out hotties is beyond me. There's
no money in fatties."

Higgy - "Well people have fetishes and according to my insult you paid for
a fatty being slaved out by me, hence making you a loser."

Hova - "Yes but what you forgot to mention is that she was short on her
weekly payment to you. She gave me the money to pay you. Ugly fatties are
dumb."

Higgy - "haha I need to cut that bitch off payroll."

Hova has a natural ability to show incompetence but to find a perfectly good explanation for something stupid he said. We finally get back to the matter at hand.

Higgy - "My dick sprays her face beamin', yo dick turns her
lesbian."

Hova - "Lesbian cuz no other dude compares oooooooh!"

Higgy - "No other dude compares because your dick is an innie like a
vag."

Hova - "I already used that one try again haha."

Higgy - "haha because your foreskin looks like labia...does that
work?"

Hova - "Yep that works!"

Weak ending I know, but we were growing weary of this game. These bouts were much closer bouts than the first, however there is a clear champion. The winner is...no one. Why you ask? Because we've wasted a whole day talking about our dicks as if we had intimate knowledge of them.

We claim to be straight but do a pretty piss poor job of showing it.