Ok It's Been Awhile, But This Shit is Funny

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PeR2ORmZh5s

Thanks to Sartastic Meg for these gems. She has nothing better to do than to find this shit so I might as well exploit her for it.

I'm a Neglectful Bastard

Lately I've treated this blog like a red-headed step child I never wanted, but only kept because his mother could suck a golf ball through a garden hose. I apologize but this blog does not fellate me the way I want it to, so it gets left behind for work, drinking and Mrs. T. Anyway I have a few things that have accumulated on my chest that need to get dumped onto this thing.

Birthday Musings

"Happy Birthday Pedophile Face!" - Hova

Nothing makes you feel more special then having a dear friend tell you that your face infers your tendency to touch the hearts and genatalia of children. Thank you for that Hova. Being that you could round my age up to 30, my birthday was a mixed bag of emotions. I'm not old enough to realize my mortality by any means; I mean I still think I am immune to AIDS, suffering, drunken drivers and older men/women fiending to touch my privates. However I'm starting to realize I can't do what I used to do. I can't drink as much, jump as high, or remember as much as I used to which makes talking shit and holding grudges an infinitely harder task. This was also affirmed for me by stepping on the balance board that came with the Wii Fit given to me by my lovely mother. Wii Fit's avatar proceeded to tell me I had the reflexes of a 41 year old, overweight, a couch potato, too weak to perform a basic pushup and that my posture makes it so I trip over myself. Awesome. In all fairness though Mrs. T did make my birthday a special one so I felt better about my decrepit status.

The Watchmen

Great movie but what is up with the random trend of exposed male penises in movies these days. Forgetting Sarah Marshall started this trend with random Joe Schmo penis. The Watchmen stepped it up a notch and made the exposed penis large, blue and glowing. Why do we get exposed penis, but we can't find any sign of labia or breast that makes its way past the shadows covering it. Fuck actresses and their moral integrity. If I'm forced to see penis, then I should be rewarded by seeing fully exposed females. Call me chauvinist, I don't give two shits. Next thing you know we'll see exposed dong doing the whirly bird mushroom stamping all that's in its way.

As a side note, T-Pain did mention that Rorschach did look much like an abortion at the end of this film. I fully agree with this statement.

Paparazzi

You know most of the time I am a huge fan of the internet. I can do so many things anonymously and without reprecussions it's great. I can find out about the misery of others catching a beatdown on http://www.tmz.com/, peruse through a plethora of free pornographic videos for my viewing pleasure, write whatever the fuck I want on this blog and have a select few read and pretend to enjoy its material and of course my favorite pastime, stalking any unfortunate bastard dumb enough to post shit on facebook. Well finally the facebook stalking karma has come around and bit me in the ass. Hova decided it would be a good idea to photograph our drunken misadventures during our Seven Springs trip and tag me in enough pictures to prove I am incapable of making a non-awkward facial expression on a photograph. Here are a few examples:

Reaching out with arthritis.

Humping a child that isn't present

Would you like a popsicle?

I'm a PC who looks like a registered sex offender.

Random Dinner Thursday

Whenever T-Pain, Nik and myself convene for a meal the conversation always has the same theme. Nik watches in embarrasing discomfort as T-Pain and myself twist a normal subject into a discussion about the layman competing in Olympic competition. Here are a few edited excerpts from that night.

On the subject of viral videos (somehow a midget doing the robot was brought up)

Higgy - "That would be a much better mascot for Geico than that money with eyes."

T-Pain - "The midget would have to be a stripper. Guess who's getting one of those for their bachelor party?

Higgy - "No thanks. Not something I really want to see."

T-Pain - "C'mon, you'd be jealous if I told you I saw a midget naked and you didn't."

Higgy - "No I'm pretty sure I'd be ok with that."

T-Pain - "'Mrs. T, don't worry he'll come back from this wanting you even more than ever.' We can even use a regular-sized cake."

Higgy - "As long as she does the robot to the song Somebody's Watching Me."

T-Pain - "She does however have to wear regular sized tassels."

Higgy - "On a midget? That's just too much nipple for me."

T-Pain - "A silver dollar is a silver dollar."

On the subject of the Olympics (segued by T-Pain discussing his hobo fire parties)

Higgy - "It's too warm now for Hobo Ice Capades."

T-Pain - "Hobo Olympics are not a summer event."

Higgy - "I beg to differ, there are plenty of Hobo summer events."

T-Pain - "I guess Hobo Street Luge would work."

Higgy - "We can do better than that. How about an event where the hobo has to make it from New York to LA jumping from train to train without any map."

T-Pain - "That would test the Hobo's knowledge of train schedules."

Higgy - "Probably test his mouth too if he decides to hitchhike. What about an event testing how many times a hobo can drop off of a 4 story building?"

T-Pain - "That can be the Hobo High Jump."

Nik - "And we have a 10 way tie for last."

Higgy - "We don't award medals but an escape out of their miserable lives."

T-Pain - "I'm pretty sure death would be a better place."

Higgy - "Or if they get maimed, it would be a way to arouse more pity from others thus increasing their profits from panhandling."

On the subject of 6th grade humor

T-Pain: "Just the other day I got a girl to look down and spell "Attic."

Higgy: "Remember the Pen15 club? Well if you happened to fall for that and then caught a glimpse of your hand while J-ing to the O, would you ask yourself, 'Is this redundant?' "

How I convinced Mrs. T to marry me, I'm not so sure.

25 Things You Probably Didn't Give 2 Shits to Know about Higgy

Since Facebook is inundated with this "25 things about Douchie McKnob" posts and the fact I keep on getting requests to write my own, I'm going to join in on this homosexual following.



1) I hate stupid people. Who would've thought? Honestly I don't hate all people born with mental defects, just those who aren't aware of their mental defects. These people have not only helped to bring down our economy but caused AIDS, Super AIDS and GAIDS to be spread like wildfire.

2) I'm scared of having my legs over my head unless I'm in a pool. But even then the fear paralyzes me from diving into said pool.

3) I once struck fear in the heart of Dave Chappelle. True Story. Yes The Dave Chappelle.

4) I never used a curse word until the fourth grade when I told Rachel Hughes to go fuck herself. The bitch had it coming though because she wouldn't leave me the fuck alone.

5) After said incident, my hippie student teacher pulled me aside and asked me what I had said. I bluntly repeated my sentiments towards Rachel and then directed those exact sentiments towards him and he ordered me to have some quiet time to "cool down." The hippie then left Carl Sundahl Elementary to pursue his life-long dream of selling tie-dye t-shirts out of his yellow van adorned with rainbow drapes. He told me and my fellow classmates this in a typed letter sent to each one of our homes. I shit you not.

6) I hate hippies. I think post #5 is reason enough.

7) I was a big klutz when I was little. It could have been because my arms at that point in time fell below my knees. It could've also been because I was an uncoordinated bastard. Because of this, I would fall playing basketball and always come home with bruises and scrapes. Due to this fact and the fact I would not accept a cookie from Ashley Smith's mom, her mom assumed that I was the victim of child abuse. Stupid bitch.

8) Don't touch my fingernails. Just don't do it.

9) In the same school year as my hippie curse fest and the child abuse accusation, I got into the one and only fight in my life. The kid's name was Erik Bergmann. He picked his nose like a god damn goober. He probably was the victim of child abuse because he was so fucking ugly. I would've beat him too if I were his parent. Shame is best expressed by taking it out on others. Anyway, we were playing 2 on 2 basketball against Brian Brockett and Eric Martinez and I was stuck with the goober. He pissed me off because he sucked and I let him know he sucked. He retaliated by kicking me literally in the ass. I retaliated by jumping him and dragging his head along the chain linked fence. I was told by the Vice Principal that my father was ashamed of me. I found out later he was misquoted and honestly didn't give a shit that I kicked a goober's ass. I couldn't go to recess for a week because of that fuck.

10) At one point in my life, I've been replaced by someone with a lisp. Talk about an ego boost.

11) I used to idolize Michael Jackson. This was when he was black and there were no Ben Roethlisberger child touching accusations. To this day I still try and moonwalk and poorly mimic the choreography to "Thriller."

12) I used to idolize Michael Jordan. No lie, I wanted to be like Mike, even with the gambling addiction. I honestly don't think I had a celebrity role-model in my life who was white.

13) I've been able to have 2 people in my life refer to me as "their God." Out of those two, I've had one of those people feign reverence towards their Almighty.

14) I was the co-valedictorian of my high school. This however was a complete fraud. I actually came in second by one thousandth of a point. You can't just round yourself up to first place. Life just doesn't work that way. The principal still forced me to give a speech. Fucking publicity stunt.

15) Being the co-valedictorian of my high school meant I had the esteemed honor of not getting any during high school. You could say knowledge subsided my chubby. In hindsight, knowledge was a piss poor substitute for pussy.

16) I still have no idea how I landed the catch that I did when I came across Mrs. T. Sure she may refer to me as the "Turtle" of the group but she's pretty fucking wonderful.

17) I'm scared of heights. However I'm going to be conquering that fear by skydiving this summer. Pretty fucking stupid way of doing that I say.

18) I said don't fucking touch my fingernails. Period. End of fucking story.

19) My first dog has a penchant for sucking his own dick until it bleeds. Sorry Choby for outting you but you've got a fucking problem. This is your intervention.

20) The name Choby was derived from a word I made up in middle school for a fat person. The word was "Chobo" but when this miniature dachshund came around we named him Choby Juan Kenobi. To answer your next question, no we were not on shrooms.

21) I only was drunk once before I was 21. It was at a seedy hotel next to a Waffle House. 6 Alabama Slammers later I went Exorcist all over the room. Fucking Lightweight. It took me 2 years to recover from that hangover.

22) I have in fact dunked a basketball in my lifetime. It was a life long goal of mine being a suburban white kid with all black celebrity idols. However I have not been able to do so for about 5 years now. I let that dream ago about 2 years ago.

23) I know I'm not the only person in the world who remembers exactly when they achieved their first erection. Or at least what I thought was my first erection. Definitely required an evasive winky pull manuver.

24) My favorite Ninja Turtle was definitely Donatello. Rafael was a prick, Leonardo was an attention whore and Michaelangelo was a fuck-tard who had a serious addiction to anchovies. Who was smart enough always save their asses? Exactly. My dad made me a sweet ass costume out of cardboard adorned with a empty wrapping paper tube for a bo. That allowed me to bring some justice to the streets.

25) I don't think I'm very funny. I honestly don't know why the fuck you've read all 25 of these, let alone anything I've posted on this blog. Get a damn life.

The Man-Cation

It has been a long time since I've written in this thing. Lately there have been two major obstacles standing in my way.

• I recently got a new job and I have been spending my time at work acclimating myself to my new responsibilities and not wasting my time corrupting an already morally deprived World Wide Web.
• My blog decided to have unprotected sex with another blog and in the process procure a dose of AIDS. However this was not full-blown AIDS and my blog made a random Magic Johnson-esque recovery.

Since my last entry, I organized a skiing/snowboarding trip to Seven Springs Resort just outside of Pittsburgh with the usual gang of Hova, Mouthful and Thomper. This combination has proven to be quite potent when mixed together and random occurences always occur, normally at my expense. Below are some of the finer points of what Mouthful deemed as "Our Bromantic Getaway".

• Trash-talk begins the week leading up to this trip. Mention of previous adventures and mishaps were thrown at eachother as usual. Events such as Jewish-coitus and strippers were laced into already highly inappropriate emails being tossed from one Nozzle to another during work hours.
• We all convene late one friday night to this small two room condo with 2 beds. If your math skills are up to snuff there were a total of 4 dudes occupying this space which meant there was going to be some Brokeback bunking involved.
• Being that the space was in fact small and lacked a proper space for Caps revelry, Thomper came up with the clever idea of moving both of the beds into one bedroom and setting them side by side so that the bunking could become even more homosexual.
• This bunking was complicated even further by the fact on a previous trip to Cincinnati with the same group, I woke up to having Mouthful in the same bed as me completely naked under the covers. I was entirely clothed mind you but the experience has left me clinching my asshole every time we gather.
• Hova was kind enough to provide a large cooler filled to the brim with beer, which was supposed to be entirely consumed by 11 am Sunday morning checkout. Foreshadowing doesn't get clearer than this folks.
• Thomper and I teamed up to challenge Hova and Mouthful only to get our dignity thrown back in our faces.
• In order for a Man-Cation to be truly Bro-Mantic, a hot tub must be involved. All four of us toasted bastards went into the locked Spa area of the condo complex after hours. All of the lights in the room were off but the outside lights shined through the windows really setting a Bro-mantic mood in the area.
• Mouthful, being quite possibly the gayest of the foursome, turned on the fireplace to create even more of a dramatic effect.
• Mouthful, Hova and myself proceed to enter the jacuzzi tub and relax while Thomper sat outside of it and watch. Thomper is quite the voyeur and I'm sure the combination of the hot water glistening our bodies made him pop a chubby so he felt the need to sit back in the comfort of the shadows to play himself a personal game of "Different Strokes."
• The next day after a long siesta, we hit the slopes. Since I am a complete vagina and this was my third time snowboarding and my first time using the board and boots I bought off of a friend, I required the help of Hova and Thomper to strap me in properly. I looked like a little kid having his recently married gay parents help him tie his shoes. Since our condo was at the top of the hill, I had to fall down the entire hill in order to buy my ski pass so that I could be carried back up the hill to repeat the process. This was going to be a long day for me.
• Not so much for Thomper though. With his dashing good looks and his incredible freakish height, he was immediately called out by a middle-aged clerk. "Hey look at this monster!" I don't recall what else exactly she said to him because a) I was not directly involved b) I just finished looking like a pansy getting strapped in by Will and Grace c) My memory only kicks in when the spotlight is on me. This woman was quite comical and told us she would meet us at the Foggy Goggle later for drinks. Lying bitch.
• All day I continued to stumble up and down the hill. I forgot from my previous two times how hard the extreme outdoor sports are on your legs. I'll continue speaking through my vagina for a little longer.
• At one point, I ended up sliding head first down the slope on my back in the middle of a large crowd of people.
• At another point I caught the front edge of my board in the snow only to launch myself in the air and land directly on my gut. That slightly hurt...my spirit.
• Someone probably associated with the resort was filming actual snowboarders completing tricks and decided they were not interesting enough so he turned the camera on me being a complete putz repeatedly falling on my ass. I think I told him to go fuck himself under my breath.
• I think I told a lot of people to go fuck themselves under my breath. The people of this area (All Steelers Fans because Ben "Touched by or on a child" Roethlisberger was there at the resort celebrating another fucking Super Bowl win) were complete assholes and would try to cut me off between my clumsy self and the edge of the ski run all definitely on my blind spot. The assholishness continued with the piss-poor service provided by the ever-so-enthusiastic staff.
• At one point I got so fed up, I walked down the slope. Mouthful was not happy babysitting this whining vaginal canal.
• Since Seven Springs Mountain had a large penis and enjoyed hate fucking me, I was a sore vagina and needed to find solace in food and spirits. So Mouthful and I head there and Hova and Thomper met up with us later. After grabbing some grub, Thomper decides to use the public channel on his walkie talkie to try and talk me off a ledge. Supposedly I had the look in my eye that I wanted to kill myself after my ritualistic rape. He proceeds to say things over the air something to the effect of, "Higgy, you don't have to do this. We all care deeply about you and you don't need to throw your ragged carcass off that ledge. Ok, screw it man, I did all that I could. Just kill yourself, what do I care?" I don't remember exactly because mountain penis is directly tied to amnesia. Or maybe it's the fact I didn't give two shits.
• After awhile, I was convinced yet again to head up the slopes but I had a little more success. Not enough to make me look like I could drape my testicles over some hapless fuck's eyes, but enough to end the day on a high note.
• After our long afternoon of hitting the slopes, we hit the jacuzzi tub to rest our aching bodies. We arrived there only to see that some 40 year olds and their children were already occupying the space. But they were drinking so we figured they were good guys and we plopped right next to them drinking our Bud Light.
• We start shooting the shit about sports, alcohol and pussy (mainly its ability to whip us). We were enjoying ourselves while the kids were fiddle fucking around with the sauna and the lanyard holding the condo keys.
• Well the old bastards end up leaving with the kids and after we finish our beer we get out only to find those fucking kids jacked our condo keys. Given that we were in our bathing suits, two of us didn't have shoes and it was fucking freezing outside, all of our cell phones, car keys and wallets were in the condo, we were pretty much fucked. Mouthful and I start throwing a shit fit while Hova and Thomper calmly try and handle the situation.
• I exclaim that I would beat the shit out of the child who did this in front of his fucking father. Thomper calmly reminded me that one of the guys had a Marine tattoo signifying he offed somebody and let me know that going down that path wouldn't end well.
• We look around and start knocking on doors. We ask some of the drunken people around if they knew where these people were at but their slurred speach indicated they would be of no help.
• Further thinking that we were screwed and freezing, we asked if we could step into their party just to warm up and grab a beer to calm us down. The people outside happily obliged only to find an angry mob of people giving us the proverbial stink-eye. This was some fraternity party (we believe they were the "Ashers") where they had ugly chicks in nothing but their bras wasting the sweet nectar of alcohol by dousing these bitches in it. We knew we were not welcome and promptly left.
• Thomper got the bright idea to check to see if we actually locked our condo door only to find we did not close it all of the way. Our negligence proved to be our savior. But it was also my negligence which put us in this situation. Oh well, we are all relieved and happy again.
• We end up venturing down to the Foggy Goggle and we start drinking. Thomper ends up seeing some chick he knows and starts attempting to mack on this broad. Some chick starts trying to pimp Hova, so Mouthful and I just sit back and chill.
• After a few hours of fucking around, Thomper tries to head back with the girl while Hova, Mouthful and I head back to the condo.
• We were all tired and as we hop into bed, Thomper calls to let us know he got stranded outside of the apartment where the girl was staying. Looks like the lady wasn't wooed by him. Also it was crucial to note that Thomper had no fucking clue where the fuck he was, which pissed me off in the ever most slightest of ways. The only details he was able to provide were that the place was by a golf course and the place was called Mountain View Villas.
• I had a rough idea where the golf course was but being that Mouthful was my babysitter all weekend, he drove while I navigated. Hova didn't even flinch when Thomper called and remained in bed well rested.
• Being that Thomper was in a drunken state he was borderline emotionally touched by the fact we would make the effort to venture out to get him. He let us know his love for us but I ignored it for the simple fact that I was tired and about to venture out to no man's land to find him.
• As Mouthful and I head to the car, Mouthful already suffering from a headache slipped on some ice and fell on his ass. I proceeded to tell Thomper, "You just fuckin made Mouthful fall damn it." Mouthful was calm and somewhat graceful about his errored dismount and was trying to calm me down. Honestly, don't get in the way of me and my fucking sleep.
• So of course being that we were on a fucking mountain and it was dark, it also had to be foggy. I mean really foggy. So much so that we could only see 5 feet in front of us and Mouthful drove at probably 5 miles an hour. My job was to lead him to the golf course and also let him know if he was creeping too far right with the car. Scared shitless doesn't begin to describe my thoughts at this time.
• We end up meandering our way up and down the mountain and by the grace of Allah we found the mountain villas and picked him up. He tried to push his way into the back as a way of punishing himself for not securing the deal with the chick and potentially fucking us halfway to Tuesday. I sat in the back and the car ride back proved to be one of complete and utter silence.
• We head back to the condo and pass out only to have to wake up 7 hours later to arrange all of the furniture back to its original order and try to rid the place of the stench of Mouthful's constant spilling of beer.
• The next morning after packing up, we head out to a smorgasbord somewhat nearby to grab some food and regale about the misadventures of the previous weekend. Thomper is reminded of all of the crap he forgot the previous night and in effigy he proceeds to take a 20 minute Carlos Zambrano in the place.
• The establishment is filled with the Sunday morning local church crowd and a random woman with extremely fake tits. We make note of this oddity and move onward.
• Due to the fact that I had not showered that morning nor the night before, my hair still had "product" in it and was standing awkwardly. So as a good gesture, I placed my cap on my head. Well this deeply disturbed one of the ancient locals rocking a Jesus Piece and after stammering back and forth in my periphery I finally looked her way and she said, "You take your hat off when at the table." At this moment I was shocked at her balls and I stared at her for a second fighting back my anger to have Hova tell me to remove my hat even though he kept his on. He did the smart thing though because he say the wheels turning in my head and knew shit would hit the fan.
• I remove the hat but my anger starts to kick in when I realize I just followed that fucking hag's bidding so it fuels it even more. Of course since this weekend further widened my sopping gape, I did nothing about it but point in her direction and remark to the others that I would show her a thing or two about God.
• I honestly wanted to say one of two things to this lady in hopes of initiating a heart attack. I first contemplating saying I had cancer but I knew karma would kick my ass harder for that. Then I contemplated responding to her by saying, "Are you saying this to me because I'm black?" This would have confused and stunned the old coot which would've allowed me to follow that comment by kicking her cane, spinning like Michael Jackson during his "Billie Jean" years and yelling "Owww!"

Only this type of shit happens to us. I'm looking forward to pissing off more people with these guys. I'm sure I forgot some other key moments of that weekend but this post was long enough.

I'm back bitches.