25 Things You Probably Didn't Give 2 Shits to Know about Higgy

Since Facebook is inundated with this "25 things about Douchie McKnob" posts and the fact I keep on getting requests to write my own, I'm going to join in on this homosexual following.



1) I hate stupid people. Who would've thought? Honestly I don't hate all people born with mental defects, just those who aren't aware of their mental defects. These people have not only helped to bring down our economy but caused AIDS, Super AIDS and GAIDS to be spread like wildfire.

2) I'm scared of having my legs over my head unless I'm in a pool. But even then the fear paralyzes me from diving into said pool.

3) I once struck fear in the heart of Dave Chappelle. True Story. Yes The Dave Chappelle.

4) I never used a curse word until the fourth grade when I told Rachel Hughes to go fuck herself. The bitch had it coming though because she wouldn't leave me the fuck alone.

5) After said incident, my hippie student teacher pulled me aside and asked me what I had said. I bluntly repeated my sentiments towards Rachel and then directed those exact sentiments towards him and he ordered me to have some quiet time to "cool down." The hippie then left Carl Sundahl Elementary to pursue his life-long dream of selling tie-dye t-shirts out of his yellow van adorned with rainbow drapes. He told me and my fellow classmates this in a typed letter sent to each one of our homes. I shit you not.

6) I hate hippies. I think post #5 is reason enough.

7) I was a big klutz when I was little. It could have been because my arms at that point in time fell below my knees. It could've also been because I was an uncoordinated bastard. Because of this, I would fall playing basketball and always come home with bruises and scrapes. Due to this fact and the fact I would not accept a cookie from Ashley Smith's mom, her mom assumed that I was the victim of child abuse. Stupid bitch.

8) Don't touch my fingernails. Just don't do it.

9) In the same school year as my hippie curse fest and the child abuse accusation, I got into the one and only fight in my life. The kid's name was Erik Bergmann. He picked his nose like a god damn goober. He probably was the victim of child abuse because he was so fucking ugly. I would've beat him too if I were his parent. Shame is best expressed by taking it out on others. Anyway, we were playing 2 on 2 basketball against Brian Brockett and Eric Martinez and I was stuck with the goober. He pissed me off because he sucked and I let him know he sucked. He retaliated by kicking me literally in the ass. I retaliated by jumping him and dragging his head along the chain linked fence. I was told by the Vice Principal that my father was ashamed of me. I found out later he was misquoted and honestly didn't give a shit that I kicked a goober's ass. I couldn't go to recess for a week because of that fuck.

10) At one point in my life, I've been replaced by someone with a lisp. Talk about an ego boost.

11) I used to idolize Michael Jackson. This was when he was black and there were no Ben Roethlisberger child touching accusations. To this day I still try and moonwalk and poorly mimic the choreography to "Thriller."

12) I used to idolize Michael Jordan. No lie, I wanted to be like Mike, even with the gambling addiction. I honestly don't think I had a celebrity role-model in my life who was white.

13) I've been able to have 2 people in my life refer to me as "their God." Out of those two, I've had one of those people feign reverence towards their Almighty.

14) I was the co-valedictorian of my high school. This however was a complete fraud. I actually came in second by one thousandth of a point. You can't just round yourself up to first place. Life just doesn't work that way. The principal still forced me to give a speech. Fucking publicity stunt.

15) Being the co-valedictorian of my high school meant I had the esteemed honor of not getting any during high school. You could say knowledge subsided my chubby. In hindsight, knowledge was a piss poor substitute for pussy.

16) I still have no idea how I landed the catch that I did when I came across Mrs. T. Sure she may refer to me as the "Turtle" of the group but she's pretty fucking wonderful.

17) I'm scared of heights. However I'm going to be conquering that fear by skydiving this summer. Pretty fucking stupid way of doing that I say.

18) I said don't fucking touch my fingernails. Period. End of fucking story.

19) My first dog has a penchant for sucking his own dick until it bleeds. Sorry Choby for outting you but you've got a fucking problem. This is your intervention.

20) The name Choby was derived from a word I made up in middle school for a fat person. The word was "Chobo" but when this miniature dachshund came around we named him Choby Juan Kenobi. To answer your next question, no we were not on shrooms.

21) I only was drunk once before I was 21. It was at a seedy hotel next to a Waffle House. 6 Alabama Slammers later I went Exorcist all over the room. Fucking Lightweight. It took me 2 years to recover from that hangover.

22) I have in fact dunked a basketball in my lifetime. It was a life long goal of mine being a suburban white kid with all black celebrity idols. However I have not been able to do so for about 5 years now. I let that dream ago about 2 years ago.

23) I know I'm not the only person in the world who remembers exactly when they achieved their first erection. Or at least what I thought was my first erection. Definitely required an evasive winky pull manuver.

24) My favorite Ninja Turtle was definitely Donatello. Rafael was a prick, Leonardo was an attention whore and Michaelangelo was a fuck-tard who had a serious addiction to anchovies. Who was smart enough always save their asses? Exactly. My dad made me a sweet ass costume out of cardboard adorned with a empty wrapping paper tube for a bo. That allowed me to bring some justice to the streets.

25) I don't think I'm very funny. I honestly don't know why the fuck you've read all 25 of these, let alone anything I've posted on this blog. Get a damn life.