Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars

I don't know if you recall but back in high school when you thought you were so fucking cool with your TI-89 calculator purchased by your mother trying to subsidize your education, you may have played a game called Drug Wars. The premise behind this game was to start with a little bit of money, buy an ounce or two of shit that would appreciate in value and then sell high. Basic stock market principles being applied to the black market. You would repeat this process until you became the Manuel Noreaga of the Graphing Calculator Universe.

Well my friends, you get to relive this fantasy of becoming a drug lord with the newest addition to the Grand Theft Auto Library: Chinatown Wars. You play the role of a Chinese import trying to avenge the death of his father. While dealing with punk Triad gang members and corrupt cops, you get introduced to dealers sprawled all across Liberty City. Some of these people have good shit, some carry some skank ass shit. Some people are trying to rip you off and some are trying to do whatever they can to offload their stash. The cops can try and bust you and you can get snitched on. This pretty much is the most realistic simulation of drug dealing I can find because a) I've never dealt drugs and b) This is the only game I know of that allows you to deal drugs. Dealing drugs in the comfort of your own home is a very lucrative and very fulfilling career path. With the economy turning downward, more people are going to be turning to drugs to get that fix, so my thought is that you might as well get trained with the best training tool there is out there.

Over the past weekend while searching for wedding venues in Ohio with Mrs. T and her ever-so-slightly overbearing mother, I spent a lot of time dealing drugs. I raved about it when I acquired coke at a Tony Montana level. I bitched about it when I got busted with about 60 grand of coke in my possession. Me and Jamal Lewis could've shared a cell. Fuckin 5-0. Some random quips from my drug dealing experiences:

"Come on Kimosabe, you're mocking me with these prices over here. You want to have this big coke party and aren't willing to part with the almighty dollar. It pays me or it gets the shotgun again."

Higgy - "Fuck! Fuck! FUCK! This did not just happen."
Mrs. T. - "What the hell?"
Higgy - "This is real life right here. I'm trying to plan our future over here and it ain't going well. Shit would be a lot easier if I had a mule."

"Acid? Fuck acid. That ain't going to make me shit. You can go trip on my balls."

Mrs. T - "You are ridiculous."

Higgy - "I know."

More experiences to follow. And possibly an attempt to bring this to real life to finance a wedding, a house and a future for some little bushy-browed Higgy's.

King of the Blumpkins, eh?

Not a title I would claim myself, but references to Saved By the Bell and Mario Kart always win me over.

Karma is a Fickle Bitch

My years of Facebook-stalking and judging pretty much every set of tits, asses and mugs placed before me has come to bite me in the proverbial ass. I was recently Facebook-stalked by some of Mrs. T's co-workers and they displayed a concern our offspring would share a trait with a loveable character we've all grown up with.


Guess which one of these characters was I identified with and what facial feature was thus mocked?



Will this stop me from judging and mocking others? Fucks no. Will I embrace my new nick name as a badge of honor and as a sign that I really need to pluck my shit? Probably. Will this cause me enough concern to man-scape them? Probably not. My only concern is they remain plural and not mono.

Anyways Bert feels bushy brows are much better character traits than a cleft palattes or AIDS.

Bert: Whattaya see, Ernie?

Ernie: [points his binoculars at Bert's nose] Your nose, Bert [he laughs]

Bert: Oh go fuck yourself Ernie.

Hard Times for White People

White People Problems

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It's Made in Germany. You know the German's always make good stuff.

I wonder if he pointed to his penis and pitched that line.

http://www.suntimes.com/entertainment/people/1500466,shamwow-guy-vince-shlomi-arrested-032809.article

I figured being the Sham-Wow guy could get you laid anywhere, but you still have to pay? Good thing I was smart enough to buy your product which remains unused to this day which in turn funded your sex addiction. I'll take the blame for this one Vince. You shouldn't have had that extra $1000 laying around.

Huh, what was that Vince? I can't hear you. Whore got your tongue?