Thanks to DC 101's Elliot in the Morning and DDT (now known as The Rambling Man from now on for his long-winded comments which had me at "pussy-whipped" and lost me at the "whole grains"), I was made aware of this new development in Pedophiliac Prevention.
http://www.washtimes.com/news/2008/oct/15/pumpkin-marks-sex-offenders-homes/
This got me thinking, I probably could come up with a Halloween costume or two from this. This also got me thinking, I work for a company with 15,000+ employees worldwide. There has to be a registered sex offender amongst them. My company prides itself on diversity so I'm sure we've diversified our workforce enough to pick up at least a child-diddler for good measure. In all honestly I've felt for a long time that one of my co-workers is awkward enough to be a Chester. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I feel this guy has a few key character traits that he could possibly fall into this bucket. So I've decided to make a check list of tell tale signs to determine if someone you work with in fact touches the hearts and genatalia of our youth.
1) Awkward appearance including facial fair. If they look desheveled or have an apathy towards life because they're too hideous to correct their situation and find a suitable mate their age, you may have found a child-toucher. This person may think a child would not judge them and their many physical faults as children are pure and not judgemental. Pedophiles I'm sorry to inform you that you're wrong because although children may be blind to color differences, they're not blind to ugly. I'm sure anything looking like it came straight from the crypt would probably scare them, not elicit their trust.
2) Awkward social mannerisms. This person probably blends in because they are good at what they do, so most people overlook their mannerisms. I, however, am a very judgemental person and no apparent flaw passes by my radar. These mannerisms can range from anything to awkward conversations because they are social retards to the acknowledgment of odd hobbies for a person their age. For example, if you notice said gentleman is a cat lover because he talks to your female co-worker about her cat at great lengths, that guy probably owns several cats to capture the imagination and orificial virtue of young children. Or the guy could just be gay. Honestly a toss-up here.
3) A soft voice only rivaled by Raffi. I'm not saying this guy would sing Baby Beluga or any shit like that in public, but this person probably carries a guitar with them for no reason at work functions or in general in hopes of wooing a child with some sweet, soft-spoken lullabies. Children do love music and sing alongs. However they won't like them as much when they find out what they are holding up to their lips is not a microphone at all.
4) Prolific wearing of Hawaiian shirts. I'm sorry but Hawaiian shirts in public places other than Hawaii bother me. Hawaiian shirts have no place anywhere let alone at work. Anyone who wears them is trying way too hard to show people they are part of the "fun" crowd. This extra effort to put up a facade is obviously a ploy to hide the fact that they fondle with baby foreskin.
I'm sure you may have an encounter or two with a pedophile, so please provide some suggestions. Do it for the children damn it.
