Because they do exist

Have you ever come across a person that you just feel the term douche bag doesn't fully encompass how much their existence bastardizes any argument against 102nd trimester abortion? Well normally finding someone like this is pretty rare, especially since a respectable person wouldn't want to associate with a douche nor allow themselves to get to know this excrement swallowing baffoon well enough to get a grasp on how deep and cavernous their inner sanctum of douchebaggery truly traverses. Instead of trying to rant about these beings and wasting my valuable time on them I simply refer to these people as Nozzles. Dictionary.com defines douche bag and nozzle as such:

douche bag –noun

a small syringe having detachable nozzles for fluid injections, used chiefly for vaginal lavage and for enemas.

noz·zle –noun
1. a projecting spout, terminal discharging pipe, or the like, as of a hose or bellows.
2. Slang. the nose.
3. the spout of a teapot.
4. the socket of a candlestick.

So if you are catching my drift right about now you are noticing that a nozzle is a tool for a douche bag. If you are in fact so low on the food chain that you are used by a douche bag, you my friend have hit rock bottom. This is how the term is derived however it does not truly define what it means to be a nozzle. The key attribute of a nozzle is lack of self-awareness.

If you are aware that you have some douche tendencies then you are in fact a douche bag . I know I can be a big douche bag especially when it appears that I am belittling someone to boost my own ego. It probably appears so 95% of the time. I'm coping with my disability and learning to accept it. However what makes me a douche and not a nozzle is the fact that I am AWARE of my faults. Here are some examples of douches and nozzles.

Douche:

He has some douchy moments but at least he makes fun of himself.

Nozzle:


Here's a couple of words for you: L. Ron Hubbard. Anyone who believes that a woman should not use an epidural injection during child birth while remaining completely silent just because a dead science fiction writer may have scribed it is properly equipped to aid a vaginal lavage. Thank you dictionary.com, you don't know how much I truly appreciate you providing me with a fruity synonym to douche. Lavage....I will be saying that for awhile.

Douche:


He just has to know that his jokes are unoriginal. I sincerely hope so.


Nozzle:

If you happened to tune into his speech at the RNC, you would know why he's a nozzle. Completely oblivious to how much of a fuck-tard he is.

Nozzle(s):

Pretty self-explanatory at this point.

Nozzle:

Nozzletov!

Hopefully I have made the distinction very clear.

Extraordinarily Ordinary

Before I begin writing this post I feel like I already need to apologize to you. I've got no business writing in a blog trying to draw any interest from you. I actually have no business making any of my thoughts public. Most of the shit that spews from my mouth and mind is in fact shit. It shouldn't be touched or consumed, I probably make a weird, strained face when it comes out and it usually results in disgust from those who unfortunately encounter it. My primary aim is to get shock laughter out of people, normally by making comments that slight a random nozzle's (term to be defined later) intelligence, attractiveness, well-being, mental capacity, and basically any visible or audible defect I perceive. The kind of laughter where you ask yourself, "Why am I laughing?" "Should I be laughing?" Then you get down on yourself and say things like, "I'm a bad person, but I can't help it." "I should cleanse myself by doing a charitable deed." "Maybe I should go to church." There's no point in fighting these feelings because I usually say these things to myself on a daily basis. However the sooner you realize feelings of remorse are natural, the sooner you get over the fact you have laughed in the face of someone with Down Syndrome. Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da life goes on.



I tend to over exaggerate things in my life including the title of this post. I think exaggerations make things more humorous. I find a certain joy in using big descriptive adjectives to describe inane nouns in my life. However I can't even say that the title is even an accurate depiction of myself. I'm a tall, slender (that used to be an understatement, reference the character Kyle Edwards from the classic tale of finding one's self in college Road Trip) 25 year old male with notable facial features (reference previous understatement) who has a similar tolerance for stupidity as New Orleans levees have for ocean water. So am I without faults to boost one's ego off of? No. In fact I feel my capability to poke fun of my physical defects and my multitude of faults absolve any sin I commit through verbal defecation and or any libel I scribe on this blog since I am as fair game to ridicule as the next disheveled hobo.


Hopefully this will prepare you somewhat for the type of humor and rants that resulting posts will burn into your retinas. If not, then God save you or go fuck yourself.