The Feasibility of a Blumpkin

UrbanDictionary.com defines a Blumpkin as the following:

Blumpkin (n)

The act of receiving a blow job and taking a dump on the toilet at the same time.

The delicately balanced art of getting your cock sucked while taking a dump.

And my favorite:

The time honored tradition of receiving a "knobber" whilst taking a "dumple stiltskin."


If you were unaware of what a blumpkin was until now, I'm glad you finally crawled out of your cave. It is a term that gets thrown around in various circles for the purpose of humor but it is rare you hear of someone who has committed the act itself. Maybe I have this view because I lead a sheltered life but maybe I choose not to associate myself with those who actually get off on that. The only reason I bring the topic up is that it was brought up during a conversation I had with T-Pain. He brought up the valid point that a blumpkin would be near impossible for a regular gentleman to achieve no matter what some brash fuck tells you. I agreed with him for the following reasons:

1) If you were constipated, there would be no way you could mask the fact you were attempting to defecate without her noticing your
a) Awkwardly Strained Grunts
b) General Fecal Stank
c) Inability to spray life force in her mouth

2) If you had a case of the runs, it would be impossible to hold it long enough for her to finish the job without her hearing you rip ass prior to Zambrano-ing the toilet. If she actually did continue, I'm fairly certain any upstanding gentleman would not want a such a fellatious sloot to continue for fear of certain penile diseases. Also if you were still able to dish out a 5 roper, you probably are pretty fucked up and actually enjoyed viewing 2 Girls, 1 Cup.

3) If you had perfect constitution and had an Immaculate within reach, there is no way you could focus on both drop a clean deuce and making the blower gag on your shit. The only possible way this could occur is if you let the food baby brew for a little while, get blown, and then drop the Theo Huxtable off at the pool. But the focus would be so much on holding back Theo that you probably could not whitewash her mouth.


However after thinking about it for awhile there may be a chance the Blumpkin would be possible. It would require the following things:

1) The recipient would have to be somewhat tipsy to slightly drunk to ignore the odor while the fellator would have to be completely hammered to the point of convulsing.

2) The recipient would have to be brewing a potential one-hitter for fear the noise of grunts or flatulence would scare the drunken knob slobber of the knob.

3) You know when you have those day after drinking shits and they just slip right out of you? Well you would have to had consumed alcohol the night before in order for the Red October to occur as to mask the turd with silence.

4) The act could not be premeditated at all. Although it is easier to defecate while drunk, predicting this situation would be near impossible. The stars would have to align, Hell would have to freeze over, and Obama would have to openly admit he is the second coming of Jesus. If all that shit happen, then you MIGHT have a chance of pulling it off.

Please tell me where my logic is off

Intramural Sports

You may ask yourself from time to time, "What does such a magnanimous and virtuous soul such as Higgy do in his free time?" Well besides mocking people and spreading the word that I have a awkwardly large penis, I play intramural sports. Maintaining a magnificently cut body like mine requires much physical activity and I only like physical activity with a purpose. However intramural sports brings out the worst in people. Intramural sports provide a competitive arena to those who were not physically gifted enough to become a professional athlete yet these athletes treat the competition with an intensity unrivaled by a scorned lover. The intensity for some odd reason grows stronger when the intramural sport is sponsored by your employer. Crossing someone over, dunking on someone, hitting a home run, or running for a touchdown against your co-workers won't get you a promotion or even laid for that matter, but these people just do not give a fuck. The majority of these nozzles are former high-school athletes attempting to re-live their glory days by showing how much of a bad ass they are when they play against feeble competition.





Now if you're thinking, "Higgy, you're just saying this because you're an unathletic fuck who couldn't hold my jock strap nor fellate me as I would so desire," I'll respond with the following. I realize I am not God's gift to sport but I feel and my peers agree that I am athletic enough to be competitive amongst the majority of my co-workers. However I do understand I am playing a competitive sport sponsored by my employer, so I probably should act the fuck up. Some people do not realize this lesson and shit tends to turn sour. Here's an example of a recent occurence.





We were playing a call-center team in basketball where the vast majority of the squad was black. Stereotypes are stereotypes so you figure, "Well by golly, we gonna get our asses kicked." Our team always makes every game competitive but there was no way we were going to out run these guys. They had one dude who looked like Reggie Bush and jumped out of the damn gym. He also had a mouth that was begging me to fist it. So for the most part we keep it close which is much to the disdain of Mr. Bush so he starts spewing crap. And spewed he did. He couldn't stop talking. He just couldn't help himself. He talked during our free throws. He talked after he jumped over us. He was telling us we were worthless. He was telling us we had no reason to be out there.



Well funny he said that because he actually didn't belong out there. It must've been just a coincidence this guy was ejected out of his previous game. Go figure. Well his ejection in the previous game made him ineligible for his game against us. Well this began an email chain of epic proportions. We notified the organizer of this league that the rule was breached. This is what began:

From Doucher (with Reggie Bush on the email chain)

I don’t know if there was any decision made regarding this email. To be fair, we can have Reggie Bush sit out our game Monday vs. (Other Team).

We didn't exactly think that was "fair" so I retorted in the following way, word for word:

From Higgy (with Reggie Bush still on the email chain)

Doucher,

I think we're going to have to wait until Monday when (the organizer) can talk to the ref in order to decide on the rule. However with that being said I do not feel your solution is fair since as the rule is written, the ejected player is required to sit out the following game. So here are the two options which our team believes are fair that I wanted to throw out there.

-Team Doucher forfeits their victory against Team Higgy
-Team Doucher replays the match against Team Higgy without Reggie Bush

I want to point out that our team did not appreciate Reggie's candor towards our team during the game. Remember this is a work league where players of various skill sets are participating. A higher level of respect toward your fellow competitor is required.

Thank you,

Higgy

I'm sure he was too dumb to grasp how much he got owned by that, but the message was thrown out there. This handing of ass hopefully brought back the sting he had felt when abandoned by his parents and his foster mom told him how disappointed she was in him for being too much of a Corky to be able to color inside the lines. Just a typical Friday in the working world.

Due to the fact one of our players had knowledge of this ejection, I should have known this as well. Because of that we did not get the forfeit. However Reggie Bush will be unable to play their first playoff game which pretty much fucks their chances of actually getting to the championship game. And for winning the championship you get your team picture on a plaque for no less than 2 weeks. I'm dead serious. This is what we all are competing for. We could not be bigger douchebags.

I'm pretty sure we have no meaning in our lives.

More Evacuation Etiquette

Thank Hova for this.

Woody Harrelson is my Hero

http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/Movies/04/10/woody.harrelson.zombie/index.html

Proper Wash Room Etiquette

Working at a Fortune 500 Company, one would think that its employees would be aware of common wash room etiquette. Unfortunately this can't be tested during the interviewing process because of potential sexual harrassment implications and because of those God damned worker unions, but common sense should tell you how to act. Obviously this is too much to ask for from the average Joe Schmuck as I have encountered the following situations within a weeks time.

1) As I entered the bathroom at work, I walked over to the farthest urinal away from the door (as a common courtesy to others who may enter). Unfortunately as I approach the urinal I find I have to traverse a lagoon of piss far on the floor that was far too wide for me. It was almost surprising the amount of urine that was in puddle form on the floor. The urinal is a pretty fucking large target and I doubt anyone's dick is large enough to over power the basin with their large stream of piss. I also hope no one comes to work drunk enough to miss the urinal basin completely. Again I'm asking for way too much from these people.

2) Far too many conversations have begun by someone addressing me while I have my hands on my genatalia.

3) Recently while Zambrano-ing the work toilet, I hear a gentleman two stalls over rip ass. This is not an uncommon occurence and I would normally giggle to myself because I am juvenile and brush it off. However what followed after was quite unexpected and received a mouth gape facial expression from myself. The guy starts moaning, "Uhhh...shit yeah...oooh" in an ever so soft manner. I mean I get pretty excited about a decent shit, but come the fuck on buddy. Not cool. I honestly thought he was trying to jerk it in the stall....at work. So I pull the toilet paper as loud as I possible could so I wasn't the third wheel in this doucher's fantasy.

Because of these events, I have researched reference materials that I want to share with all that will help beat into people proper etiquette.

Curious about how to handle yourself in a bathroom?
Please go here: http://jeff-flowers.com/12-unspoken-rules-for-urinal-etiquette/

Do you need to be taught the proper angle at which to send your stream of piss into the urinal?
Go Here: http://www.wikihow.com/Use-a-Urinal-Without-Splashing-Yourself

Need it in video form?
Please watch this:



I've done my community service for the month.

Wedding Preparations

While Mrs. T and I are preparing for our wedding, you'll need to prepare yourself for the various dances that we feel are essential, nay required to be memorized for the celebration of our nuptuals. Below are videos displaying each of these dances:

Crank That

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpocrqvP2Yg

Instructional video for Crank That
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sLGLum5SyKQ


Stanky Legg



Bird Walk



Cupid Shuffle



The Ricky Bobby





Disclaimer: Mrs. T has not approved of any of these dances and more likely than not they will be shot down. Especially the Ricky Bobby. But you have to admit that shit is pretty fucking ghetto/tight.

Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars

I don't know if you recall but back in high school when you thought you were so fucking cool with your TI-89 calculator purchased by your mother trying to subsidize your education, you may have played a game called Drug Wars. The premise behind this game was to start with a little bit of money, buy an ounce or two of shit that would appreciate in value and then sell high. Basic stock market principles being applied to the black market. You would repeat this process until you became the Manuel Noreaga of the Graphing Calculator Universe.

Well my friends, you get to relive this fantasy of becoming a drug lord with the newest addition to the Grand Theft Auto Library: Chinatown Wars. You play the role of a Chinese import trying to avenge the death of his father. While dealing with punk Triad gang members and corrupt cops, you get introduced to dealers sprawled all across Liberty City. Some of these people have good shit, some carry some skank ass shit. Some people are trying to rip you off and some are trying to do whatever they can to offload their stash. The cops can try and bust you and you can get snitched on. This pretty much is the most realistic simulation of drug dealing I can find because a) I've never dealt drugs and b) This is the only game I know of that allows you to deal drugs. Dealing drugs in the comfort of your own home is a very lucrative and very fulfilling career path. With the economy turning downward, more people are going to be turning to drugs to get that fix, so my thought is that you might as well get trained with the best training tool there is out there.

Over the past weekend while searching for wedding venues in Ohio with Mrs. T and her ever-so-slightly overbearing mother, I spent a lot of time dealing drugs. I raved about it when I acquired coke at a Tony Montana level. I bitched about it when I got busted with about 60 grand of coke in my possession. Me and Jamal Lewis could've shared a cell. Fuckin 5-0. Some random quips from my drug dealing experiences:

"Come on Kimosabe, you're mocking me with these prices over here. You want to have this big coke party and aren't willing to part with the almighty dollar. It pays me or it gets the shotgun again."

Higgy - "Fuck! Fuck! FUCK! This did not just happen."
Mrs. T. - "What the hell?"
Higgy - "This is real life right here. I'm trying to plan our future over here and it ain't going well. Shit would be a lot easier if I had a mule."

"Acid? Fuck acid. That ain't going to make me shit. You can go trip on my balls."

Mrs. T - "You are ridiculous."

Higgy - "I know."

More experiences to follow. And possibly an attempt to bring this to real life to finance a wedding, a house and a future for some little bushy-browed Higgy's.

King of the Blumpkins, eh?

Not a title I would claim myself, but references to Saved By the Bell and Mario Kart always win me over.

Karma is a Fickle Bitch

My years of Facebook-stalking and judging pretty much every set of tits, asses and mugs placed before me has come to bite me in the proverbial ass. I was recently Facebook-stalked by some of Mrs. T's co-workers and they displayed a concern our offspring would share a trait with a loveable character we've all grown up with.


Guess which one of these characters was I identified with and what facial feature was thus mocked?



Will this stop me from judging and mocking others? Fucks no. Will I embrace my new nick name as a badge of honor and as a sign that I really need to pluck my shit? Probably. Will this cause me enough concern to man-scape them? Probably not. My only concern is they remain plural and not mono.

Anyways Bert feels bushy brows are much better character traits than a cleft palattes or AIDS.

Bert: Whattaya see, Ernie?

Ernie: [points his binoculars at Bert's nose] Your nose, Bert [he laughs]

Bert: Oh go fuck yourself Ernie.

Hard Times for White People

White People Problems

Atom.com: Funny Videos | Atom Originals | Sing-Alongs